Now That You're An Adult In College ...

Because your breath smells terrible and it's blowing in my face right now

... You should already know how to tame your horrendous assfart morning breath. Please don't make me sit next to you in class or in a car or just be in the same one-mile radius of you if you have a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad smell protruding from your mouth. No, coffee doesn't make your breath smell better. It makes it worse. Like way worse than you can probably imagine. Have you ever tried eating or popping a piece of gum in before heading out into the real world? Brushing your teeth doesn't finish the job. Please, don't kill me this early in the morning. I am a good person (kind of), and do not deserve this kind of torture.

... You should already know how to share communal spaces. Didn't we learn this in like pre-school when we were 4? I'm pretty sure I spent most of my time when I was 4 picking my nose, watching Barney and Friends, and peeing my pants, yet I still managed to grasp that shared spaces are shared... not dominated by your rudeness and inconsiderate nature. Why are you still not understanding that if 4 people are sharing a dorm bathroom, you can't pretend that you own the shower and can just casually leave every single shampoo, conditioner, and razor that you own in it? Are you the spawn of Satan? The same goes for getting your fugly hair out of the drain when you're finished. I ain't no maid. I'm not going to clean that shit up for you because it's disgusting. Don't get mad at me when I move your over-priced salon shampoo because I need to put my stuff there for my 15-minute shower. I paid for that space too.

... You should already know no one is required to like or even tolerate your whiney self. Remember how in elementary school everyone was forced to get along and you had to be nice or you'd get in trouble? You can pretty much forget all of that. Yes, you should respect people because that is common courtesy, but you are not required to be associated with assholes and douchebags and bitches who you don't even like. Thus, if I don't like you or want people to think I like you because I really don't like you, I'm probably going to avoid you at all costs. Please don't take my absence as me playing hard to get or fearing that I might come on as clingy. That's not it. I just don't like you. And you don't have to like me.

... You should already know how to keep your crush on the professor a secret. Yes, I'm talking about you, girl in my religious studies class. We all know you're hot for teacher. Not only does it make him uncomfortable, but it also makes class just a tad bit awkward to sit through. It's like watching animals at the zoo mate. No one really wants to see that, so, please, keep it in your pants, girl. He's married, and you're... you, so I think it's safe if you just keep your creepy affections to yourself. Yes, he's hot. Everyone knows he's good looking in that weird teacher way, but you don't see anyone else flinging themselves at him all through class. Just saying.

... You should already know that the real world isn't a nice place. Yeah, I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but it's kind of mostly true. People are mean and sometimes shitty stuff happens to sort of-okay people. You're probably not the only one who is having a bad day or week, so please don't act like it. We're all living in this world with you, so we get it. And, you know, we'd all love to hear you complain or read your 3 am tweet rant from last night, but we really just don't care. If this was the 7th grade and Johnny Bravo had kissed your arch nemesis and your mom forgot to put a pack of Disney Princess Fruit Snacks in your lunch, we'd probably understand and sympathize. But it's not the 7th grade. This is  adulthood. Suck it up. 

Today, I'm Gonna Eat

I love food. I love eating food. I love smelling food. I love ordering food. I love looking at food. Yeah, so I pretty much love everything about food and eating. The only thing I don't like about food is that it is limited and will be gone eventually. It's one of the things that keeps me alive, so why wouldn't I love it? Some people, though, seem to think that you can't eat if you want to look good. Apparently, the only way to get skinny is to become a rabbit and only eat like nothing at all every single day. Uh, no.

In the last 9 months, I've lost 60 freaking amazing pounds (and I'm still dropping, by the way). I guess that is supposed to make me an expert on health and fitness and weight loss (well, that's just what I assume from all the questions I get about what I do or if I have any tips on how someone else can drop some weight). Newsflash, I'm not an expert. I just saw weight loss as a no-brainer after a while. Also, I've been on so many damn diets and nutrition plans over the last 20 years of my life, that I already had a general idea of what you need to do to boost your health and drop some lard.

If there is one piece of advice I could give anyone trying to lose weight it's this: please eat. 

I'm constantly asked by people who knew me before I shrunk a million sizes, "Angela, what do you eat? Girl, you look so good!" I eat whatever the hell I want. That's my answer. While I have adjusted my eating habits (for instance, I don't stuff my face full of junk food all the time. Common sense, guys), I don't restrict myself on anything. I don't see the point. I love food way too much to police myself. That just creates misery. Plus, at least when I don't see numbers drop the scale, I know why.... unlike if you're not eating and not dropping.

My goal is to look good, feel good, and be able to live life. If I get down to a size 6 and can't eat Bruce's freaking orgasmic taco soup because I'm afraid it will cause me to gain weight or that it will make me any less beautiful than I already am, that's not living. There are so many fattening meals that I haven't tried or even imagined yet, and, dammit, when I get a chance to eat those things, I want to be able to jump right in without thinking twice.

The other night, I was talking to my friend Taylre about needing new jeans because my current pairs are a bit large on me, and she made an amazing point. She said that she'd rather buy new pants than stop eating cookies because cookies are the shit. (Those aren't her exact words, but whatever).  Gaining weight or a bit of pudge in the stomach is not the end of the world. It doesn't mean you're ugly or worthless or something nasty. It just means you need new clothes. 

So, yeah, today, I'm going to eat and not worry about my weight. I'm going to eat because my body needs food. Hungry and skinny doesn't equal beautiful or healthy. So, if you're hungry, go eat. Go eat whatever sounds good. Your body is probably trying to tell you something. I always listen to my cravings to see what my body needs. You should too.

Lesson learned: I love a plate of nachos that is bigger than my head. I'm a classy girl, guys. 

***This week's National Eating Disorder Awareness week. If you'd like to learn more about being informed about eating disorders, check out this article on ActiveMinds.***

Dream A Little Dream of Me

When I dream, I feel half awake. It kind of feels like I can control what's happening inside my head, but, at the same time, feel the warmth of my sheets or detect that the pillow definitely needs to be flipped to the cooler side. I'm not sure if this can be considered lucid dreaming. My dreams are always a little weirdly realistic. I used to not be able to remember my dreams at all, but then, over time, I suppose, I began to remember more and more.

There is something weird about my dreams, though. If there is a man in the dream that seems to be the one I am "with," I can't see his face. I can hear his voice... It's always a familiar voice. And I know who he is. Sometimes he's someone that I know or have known in the past. Sometimes he's a celebrity figure. Other times, he's just a figment of my imagination.  It's just that when I look up at him, I am blinded. It's like someone somewhere turned the lights right into my eyes. I have to shield myself or look down. It's kind of like when you wake up from a deep sleep, and you reach over to check the time on your phone, and you're just blinded by the illumination of the screen. What does this mean? What does it mean to not be able to look into the eyes of someone in a dream? It's frustrating at times.

I can feel myself yearning to be able to look at this figure in the dream. I know what he looks like. Why can't I just see him with my eyes?

I decided to look into this repetitive element in my dreams. Here's what I found:

According to a bunch of google searches on the subject, I found that being blind in a dream means you are refusing to see the truth about a situation. You are just rejecting something about yourself that you have denied for so long. This makes a lot of sense to me. If I can't see this man's face, maybe I just haven't come to terms with feelings for him... or I'd just rather pretend that they don't exist. To look at him would be to acknowledge that there is a spark or a true desire for him. Then, light, apparently, means clarity or discovering the truth. So, it kind of goes hand-in-hand, right? 

I think it will be interesting when I can finally look him in the face in my dreams... If that ever happens, I'll have to let everyone know.

I think it's fascinating that dreams can just be dreams... and other times, they can act as goggles to see all the weird inner-workings of the mind. It's like your mind wants to reveal secrets and stuff to you while you're asleep. The mind is really cool like that.

The Harsh Truth About College

In high school, everyone and their long lost cousin tells you that college is worth the brutal torture that is high school, that your college years will be some of the best years of your life. I'm still waiting to see what all the fuss about college is to these people. Like, maybe their high school years were the trots, so, naturally, college sucked way less for them? Maybe they were one of the lucky ones who didn't completely lose their sanity (or maybe they did.... and that's why they think college is the bomb dot com) in the hectic mess of college courses, drunken nights, and the horrid freshman 15. Now, I don't think that college necessarily is the worst thing ever (trust me, it isn't), but I feel like there are a lot of things that get overlooked once you're out of the system.

Welcome to the real world. 

Everyone wants to know about what you've got planned for your future or what you're going to do with your useless writing degree. No matter what your major is or if you're still in that awkward "undecided" rut, you probably have some kind of idea of what you might want to do once you've got your degree and are finally free to make all kinds of batshit crazy mistakes with your life. I think people have this idea that whatever you study in college must be something that is going to get you a job that will put you in a higher tax bracket and allow you to send your kids to a snooty private school that might resemble Hogwarts. Why is that? So, naturally, when I tell people I'm a writing major, they automatically tell me that I'm probably not going to make it and should consider a major in business or decide to go pre-law or whatever. It sucks to be unsure of your own life choices, but when other people start poking around, trying to keep you from living.... Well, that takes all the fun out of majoring in something you love. It's like everyone tells you to do what you love but then, when you've decided to take that pretty piece of advice, tell you you're throwing your future away by doing so.  Thus, we all have majors we hate with classes that screw us over every single day and Mom and Dad's reserved nod of approval. 

You're a broke-ass pathetic zombie all the time.  It doesn't matter if you promptly go to bed at a time before midnight and sleep until noon, you're constantly tired. It's the kind of tired that never ends. I think it's called growing up.   Say goodbye to your stain-free pearly whites and hello to a large energy drink that could possibly kill you since you doubled your dose of Adderall a few seconds before guzzling it.  Oh? What's that? You just spent your last five bucks on that energy drink? No one cares! Get a job... oh wait... you can't get a job because your schedule is packed and, let's face it, you're way too damn tired to hold any kind of position anywhere. College is so much fun, ain't it? 

Greek pressure exists. So, maybe you decided not to follow the herd of goats headed to the Greek factory to be slaughtered, and maybe you did... I don't care. I can't tell you how many sorority or fraternity members I have talked to who have let slip that they actually kind of hate the Greek life. There is a limit on the partying, and, when that goes away and the beer goggles come off, you see how much of a mess you've gotten yourself into. Am I really paying this much money to share one bathroom with all of these people? Now, I totally understand why people go Greek, and, for the most part, it's all really beneficial to your future, but when you feel pressured into rushing or pledging Greek because it's "what all the cool kids are doing" and then learn you absolutely hate it, well, you can pretty much say farewell to having a happy college life. And then, of course, there is the disapproving gaze from the campus Plastics towards those who decided they like wearing pants that aren't leggings (because some people don't want to look like they are headed to the gym all day long, thank you very much). Now, tell me that doesn't make you feel like a total recalled Barbie doll. It totally sucks.

Let me know when you figure it out, Belle.

It sucks major Tootsie Pop when you realize you're just a speck of dust on a giant dust bunny under someone's bed. In a lecture hall thats filled with over 400 people just like you, you start to feel like you don't even matter. This professor will never notice me or learn my name because he just doesn't care. It's easy to get caught-up in the system of robotically taking notes and writing papers and barely getting by on exams (because we're not all lucky to have photographic memories or natural test-taking abilities). And, yes, you're lucky if you stand out to a professor or to really anyone who you don't already call a friend or a significant other. Some people wonder why college students get depressed or self-harm or worse.... and, you know, it's because college can make you feel like you're alone and voiceless because everyone is talking at once. There is no order or rule or talking stick to pass around while you sit criss-cross-applesauce on the floor. You either speak boldly or get washed away in the sound.

If you're in college, you may agree or disagree on these things, and, if you're in high school still, don't worry. You're safe for now.

Snorts of Love

Have you ever been in infatuation with someone? Maybe a small crush? In like? In love? Whatever you want to call it, most people have experienced that rush of hormones and adrenaline when just the idea or casual name-dropping of Mr.Handsome-Amazing or Miss Tits-and-Ass is out and about. For some people, dealing with these various feelings (or feels, as I like to formally call them) is way easy and second nature. Others might not be so fortunate. Me? Well, I'm one of those poor bastards who can't seem to make heads or tails of anything when it comes to those of the opposite sex (which is why I am 4ever alone and destined to be the neighborhood hag one day), especially when it's a Mr.Mister that I have an abundance of feels for.

For anyone who knows me and spends time with me, you have probably had the amazing opportunity to witness one of my snort-giggle-fits. Ever so often, I'll totally be trying to be cool as a cucumber when suddenly someone (usually the one I fancy... maybe just anyone who makes me feel good) will say something funny or cute and I'll catch the snorts. It's uncontrollable. Once I start snorting, it can be hard to stop. I probably look like I am one of those patients on House MD that just has seizures every 5 seconds until the end of the episode (which is when House suddenly connects all the dots to the medical mystery and cures the patient of their enigmatic case), and everyone is just waiting around to see if they'll ever stop. So, naturally, it's terribly awkward and embarrassing for me when they happens. Like, can I please just be excused from ever having to talk to anyone ever again so this doesn't happen ever again? Thanks.

I have a great fear of rejection. I can tell you right now that if I am in like with you or if I want to skip all the socially acceptable steps of courting rituals and just elope to Vegas and pop out a couple of babies with you, you might never actually hear me say any of that. Of course, I am fully aware that if people never know how you feel, you will never go anywhere, and that's really no fun when you think long and hard about it. Still, my fear cripples me. (This is where my best friend Bruce will proceed to palm-face himself... or worse... out of frustration).

The thing, though, is that even when I think the other person might like me just a bit (maybe even tolerate my presence, if I'm lucky), I still don't make a move. Why? Trust issues! I don't trust my gut. I don't trust myself. I don't trust anyone. Point. Blank. (Well, there are other reasons, but, like... those don't matter)

A drawing from The Twits? Maybe... or maybe a diagram of hag evolution!

But, I think it all goes back to the snorts. When they'll strike, nobody knows! So, I'd rather just pretend that men don't exist (or that if they do exist, they all just suck and don't deserve my love) and that my feelings don't matter and that there are benefits to being the neighborhood hag who lets her tits sag because there aren't men to impress.

So, if you take anything from this, take this: I'm probably secretly in love with you. That's all. Nothing else to see here.

*snort* 

Ready! Aim! Fire!

Credit: http://beatrizmartinvidal.deviantart.com/art/Target-10772463

In my 20 years of life, I've learned two very important things when it comes to friends:
1) Not everyone wants to be your friend and
2) Everyone has that one friend or family member who likes to use you as their own personal punching bag or target in a shooting range. I want to talk about the latter today. I think there is just something about me that gives people the idea that they can whip out their guns and ammo or their arrows and aim them right at me whenever they are in a bad mood or are dealing with something that has absolutely nothing to do with me. And, while I understand that it might just be me being at the wrong place at the wrong time, it pisses me off. 

You know, I'm a very caring person by nature, so I'm always trying to figure out how I can make someone else's day or week better if I am aware that their days might be full of fresh shit, but when the other person decides that I am the one to blame for every damn thing that happens to them, I feel it's only right for me to be a little really insulted and pissed off. Like, I came to your aid to listen or help you work whatever the hell is going on out, and you turn the guns on me? Why? Why the hell does that happen? It's actually kind of funny.... The way it happens, that is.

Them: ... so then my boss got mad at me because I did *blah blah blah* wrong. My day has been a pile of shit!
Me: Man, that sucks. But I'm sure your boss was right to get onto you for that. After all, they are your boss! Maybe you should try harder tomorrow to show them you're not useless.
Them: No, Angela! You know what's useless? You! You're not even listening to me! Why did I even come to you? Why can't you put your emotions aside for once and let me vent? *blah blah blah*
Me: Wait... What? I didn't say -
Them: You're pissing me off! You will never work as hard as me, so don't try to tell me what to do at work! Also, while we're talking about it, you can't have opinions on drugs or love or sex or religion or broadway musicals or shitty emo bands or whether you learn to use chopsticks or good Mexican cuisine! I don't even want to talk to you anymore! Telling you was a horrible mistake!
Me: Uh.
Me: Erm.
Me: Okay.

Like, where does this shit even come from? And it's not just one person who does this to me either! It's almost everyone I have a close relationship with... you know, people I'd expect not to jump on my case like that. It's at school. It's at home. It's people I've only known for a short while. Is it me? Is it them? I really don't even know. But it always leaves me asking: Whose asshole did I uninvitingly penetrate to get that reaction?

I'M NOT GONNA BE A PART OF THIS SYSTEM!

But, of course, like always, I'm the one who ends up apologizing for whatever the hell I supposedly did or didn't say because I'm an adult! (Then again, I'm the one blogging about this... so maybe I'm not an adult?)

Either way, I always know that I'm not an intended target for these people. I'm just there when it's not always the best of times for them.... and things can be messy at those times. And, if anything, I've learned how not to act when I'm upset so I don't cause frustration for anyone I know.

Lesson learned: my friends and family aren't shitty.... just very angry. 

The Julia Diaries

You could scrub a toilet with that hair!

So, my 15 year-old sister, Julia, is kind of a character of sorts. She's this weirdo who is obsessed with Broadway musicals and writing fanfiction about Wicked (the musical, not the book) and making Internet friends in Australia and in the states that no one cares about (Alaska? Really?). She has a social anxiety disorder, so she never leaves the house unless it is to walk to a gas station to buy a 32 oz fountain drink or a Red Bull. She has this totally weird obsession with caffeine and Hot Cheetos. Sometimes I wonder if I'm actually related to her. But, somehow, we're always getting into the weirdest situations when we're together.

Back in July of 2012, she and I took a trip to New York City for a few days with our aunt. On the way there, we had a connecting flight in Memphis, Tennessee. So, Julia and I are totally awkward in public, so we're standing by a wall in the airport when suddenly we decide to have a totally way-too-inappropriate moment with each other. I don't know exactly what we were doing... Maybe just dancing? She was singing a sexual song, I think. Something about doing a little bump and grind, maybe? Then, suddenly, this guy who we swore was Jesus Christ walks by and gives us a look. Then he says the coolest thing we had ever heard: "You do what you got to do." I'm pretty sure we lost our shit at that. Also, this guy was on our flight to NYC, so we were unsure if that was a good or bad omen for the flight.

Julia and her all-time favorite novel

Oh and then there was the time I came home while the Tulsa State Fair was in town. I'd abandoned her that day because red shoes needed to be bought, so I tried to make it up to her by somehow convincing my best friend buy her a Coke and Rolos. So, we get back to my house, and we're standing out by the curb and trying to get her to come to get her goodies. After like half an hour of trying to persuade her, she finally comes out. Everything is cool but then.... things got a little ghetto.

This car (probably one of those cars with extra speakers in the trunk and a hydraulics system installed) filled with really suspicious-looking African-American gentleman pulls up next to us. We're kind of blocking part of the street at this point, but my best friend is like a millimeter away from this car passing, and he has no intention of moving his feet out of the way.

Best friend: *makes somewhat uncalled for comment about car of thugs passing by*
Ghetto thug car: *backs that thang up*
Ghetto thug car driver: Huh? What you say? We straight?
Julia and me: YES!!! WE STRAIGHT! WE ARE TOTALLY STRAIGHT!!
Ghetto thug car: *continues on down the road*

It's safe to say that that is the moment Julia and realized how straight we truly were. 

Did someone say "mustache?"

The coolest thing about Julia that can't be explained? Her instant popularity with all my friends at college. I'm still SO confused as to why these 20 year-old's think she is like the coolest person who ever lived. They think she's hilarious because she has the whole "I don't give a shit. L'chaim!" thing about her that kind of makes everyone want in on her secret club (that, let's face it, I'm the only member of). They see her interests and addictions and are just blown away by how rounded she is.

Maybe it's the way she cries at Robin Williams movies or the way she can belt out all the words to all the songs in Les Miserables. Maybe it's how she went to high school for one day and decided she was never going back (sounds like one of Taylor Swift's relationships!). Maybe it's the way she can comeback with the best lines in an argument. I don't know.

Julia might be a total weirdo who doesn't leave the house but manages to talk to strange Alaskans on the Internet, but she's still pretty cool. She's got big dreams and no ambition, but I know that she'll one day use all her quirks and unorthodox habits to become whatever she decides to be when the time comes. There's just something about Julia..... and I don't think anyone can really put a finger on it.

Ain't Nobody Got Time For That!

Where do the days go? Seriously. Every single day of the last week, I have had to ask myself where the time goes. There just simply is not enough time in a day to complete all the tasks I have! Between doing that whole school thing I'm supposed to do according to society, eating, being the most amazing best friend this world has ever seen, and doing homework, I find myself trying desperately to score a moment of peace and quiet with myself. Like, is it possible to actually die from lack of time with yourself? If not, I might just be the first case.

The preccciouuusss time!

While I'm totally pulling a total-girl-move by counting down to when I'm able to go home for a week for spring break, I can't help but realize how much work will be crammed into the next 32 days of my life. There will be midterms (do these even serve a purpose? I mean, c'mon! Save a tree, skip a midterm!), papers to write, assignments to bullshit, boring readings to not read, tons of social events that I will probably avoid, and lots of sleep lost! It's going to be so stressful. My Sour Patch Kid and mozzarella cheese stick intake will probably be at an all-time high! My point is: AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!

Every day, I make a to-do list on a Post-it Note. For the last week or so, I've had "Read 100 pages of The Bell Jar" marked down. This book has been literally sitting right next to me for the last week, and I haven't even touched it. It's not because I haven't found time to read any of it. It's just because I don't even feel like reading it. How hard is it to admit to yourself that you don't feel like doing something you find enjoyable almost all the time except for when you don't feel like it? It's really hard. I can't say exactly why I've felt so distant from my book (probably because I have a feeling this book will ruin my life because Sylvia Plath). One day, though! But until then, it's like this book is just staring at me constantly. Taunting me.

Sounds like a good I'd like not reading..

Me: *looks at book and decides not to read it today*
Book: Angela
Me: *pretends not to hear voice coming from book*
Book: Read me!
Me: No, not today...
Book: DO IT!!
Me: No, I'm above the influence.
Book: Party-pooping stick in the mud!
Me: What?
Book: What?


I know that eventually I will get to reading this book, but, for now, I AIN'T GOT TIME FOR THAT! Remember, I love reading. I probably do more reading for fun than a lot of people my age. Why is that? Hmmm. Probably has to do with alcohol and someone handing out free condoms somewhere. 


What we've learned here is that sometimes it's okay to not do something just because you don't feel like doing it. Now, that's not okay if, say, your cat died and it's rotting corpse is just lying on your bedroom floor because you don't feel like burying it or taking it somewhere to be properly disposed of. I'm just saying. That shit ain't pleasant to smell. (Then again, cats aren't pleasant to smell when they're alive either). Also, it's probably best if you shower and brush your teeth when you don't feel like it. It's just common sense, guys. Don't be disgusting.

The Music of My Life

With the reformation and return of the almighty Fall Out Boy  this passed week, I can't help but get a little a nostalgic for middle school and high school jams. I've been thinking a lot of about all the bands  I've been into over the years, and I realize how shitty my taste in music has been and will probably to be as I grow older and lose my connects to the current music scene of the future. Sure, I'll admit that not everyone will like my taste in music, but who really cares?

Pretty sure I had this poster....

My first official concert was *NSYNC in St.Louis, Missouri, on the PopOdyssey Tour when I was like 6 years-old. I remember having seats in like the middle of freaking nowhere in the back and not being able to see a damn thing because I was short for my age (Screw that, I'm still short for my age). I totally still have a t-shirt (that totally fits!) that's got holes in the pits from the concert. But the first concert I actually remember and was old enough to enjoy was The All-American Rejects  (still my babies 7 years late, by the way) and Fall Out Boy in Norman, Oklahoma, in the 7th grade. That concert was legit, guys. Like, my hormone-filled mind thought that was like the most amazing night ever because I finally got to see my favorite band live after liking them for almost 2 years. Dream come freaking true!
Fun fact #1: My sister, her at-the-time boyfriend, and I left in the middle of FOB's set because we only knew like 3 songs. No shame. 

Fun fact #2: I've seen The All-American Rejects 3 times and met them finally in April 2012 at a show in Oklahoma City. 

Okay, here's where things get rocky. In middle school, I also had the hots for Jesse McCartney and his "Beautiful Soul" and his straight-from-the-beach look. To this day, I own 3 of his CD's and some kind of DVD that I've probably never watched in the 7 years I've owned it. I also had a thing for Avril Lavigne and some bands that one of my older sisters was into (I'll never admit that I liked her music, though. Sorry Lisa!)

Check out that Jewfro! 

Then right before freshman year of high school, I fell in love with 3 brothers from New Jersey (Shore). Y'all know who I'm talking about. The Jonas Brothers! They were key figures in my life for about 3 years. In that time, my dad spent way too much money on merchandise (they were like cheap Jews or something. L'Chaim!) and concert tickets for my sisters and me. I saw them 3 times in concert (it totally would have been 4 times if Hannah stupid Montana hadn't caused the show to sell out in like 1.5 milliseconds). I went through so much bullying from my peers because of this obsession. It probably would have lasted until senior year, too, if the boys hadn't broken up and Nick hadn't gone and ruined Broadway and Joe hadn't lost his virginity to everyone and Kevin hadn't gotten married and lost his virginity to an Italian. I'll wait for you, Nick. 

Then came my obsession with Michael Jackson in 2009. While my family will report that I wasn't into him until he was a stiff, cold one, I can speak the truth and say that I actually got into him really late in December 2008 (I'm just calling it 2009 because why not? This is my blog). This craze has passed significantly. And that's all. He's still got a place in my iTunes library, though.

Hanson circa 2010: MMM-Sexy

Around the same time in 2009, My Chemical Romance and a bunch of "emo" bands blew up my headphones. It was a dark year. They're still pretty good. Then I got into Josh Groban and Hanson in 2010 and 2011. I also returned to the brief 6 months or so that I liked Switchfoot (They "dared me to move", if you know what I mean) but this time I went at it at 88 mph and I saw some serious shit happen.

So, basically, you can love or hate my music selection. I don't care. Just don't ask me to make you a playlist or mix-CD because you'll probably find something out of the small sample of my music history I've just presented here. I still like bits and pieces of all this stuff. After all, I grew up on this music, and I have a lot of great memories because of music. So don't hate.

What embarrassing music phases did you go through?

4Ever Alone on Valentine's Day

With one week until Valentine's Day, I thought it'd be a good time to talk about being single or alone on a day that's all about sexy times with sexy people and heart-shaped things. Let's face it, a lot of people have this unhealthy grudge against the 14th day of February because they're upset that they don't have a significant other to share the day with. Seeing coworkers or friends receive bouquets of roses or those nasty boxes of gourmet chocolate can be so totally unbearable for those who haven't learned to love being single. So, what can you do on Valentine's Day alone? Well, I've made a pretty damn lame awesome list to help give you some ideas!

HERE WE GO!

1. Get caught up on all the seasons of your favorite TV shows! Still can't manage to get passed the second season of Glee? Here's a good excuse! It's not like you have anything else to do. Also, it might help you remember how much your life doesn't suck. After all, you could be in the glee club! Or take this as an opportunity to start a new show! Netflix is full of great stuff (except they still don't have Friends which kind of really sucks)

2. Eat your damn chocolate (or whatever your favorite candy is). Just because it's not that nasty gourmet stuff doesn't mean it shouldn't be eaten! No one is around to judge you based on what you consume, so indulge! You can worry about gaining weight another time. Tonight, it's all about you and Mr.Hershey. 

Yup, right into your vagina, Rose.

3. Watch Titanic. Do I seriously need to explain this one? It's one of the greatest cinematic love stories of all time. PLUS, you get to see post-sex Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet's hard-ass nipples. Who needs porn when you've got that? And this is probably the closest you're going to get to sex tonight. Right? Right. 

4. Serenade the posters on your bedroom walls like you did when you were 13. You know you're totally guilty of either singing or lip-syncing to your celebrity crushes as they hang on your walls or wherever you keep that kind of stuff. So, pick out your favorite love songs and grab your hairbrush because things are about to get crazy up in here! (This also can act as a great cardio workout depending on how crazy things get)

Oh I thought you said 5 shades of suck

5. Read  Fifty Shades of Grey. You know you've always been curious... Just go for it! What happens of Valentine's Day stays on Valentine's Day (unless it's an unwanted pregnancy... then that might come back to bite you in 9 months)

6. Call up your other single friends and have a girls/guys night. It's proven that people are less miserable when they share their misery with other people. Maybe have a sleepover or head to the bar and have drinks. Doesn't matter what you do, as long as you're with people just as miserable as you. 

7. Call your grandma. I really doubt your grandma is going to be up to much (if she is, WAY TO GO GRANDMA!) so why not ring her up and catch up on life at the nursing home. Maybe exchange knitting tips and recipes. 

8. Do whatever you usually do regardless of the day having a title. Homework? Laundry? Get really drunk? Whatever it is, do it. After all, Valentine's Day isn't even a real holiday if it doesn't get you a day off work or school. 

Valentine's Day doesn't have to be about having sex or being in a relationship with someone. It's about taking the time to tell the people you love (both romantically and platonically) that you love them. You don't need chocolate or flowers or mix-CD's to do that job. Just speak from your heart in the best way that you can. Don't pass it up. You might regret it later on.

Don't forget that February 15th means chocolate goes on sale, so stock up for the rest of the year! You'll be glad you did!

Did I Do That?

Have you ever been talking to someone you've known for a while and then, totally out of the blue, they ask you if you remember a really embarrassing moment that happened a long time ago? That happens to me all the time. I remember pretty much everything that can be considered worth remembering or even worth forgetting, but every once in a while, someone brings up something and I have no idea what they are talking about.

Me: ... and then my toe turned blue and I nearly pissed myself. My life is so cray-cray unbelievable sometimes!
Them: Speaking of your life! Do you remember that time when you snort-farted on that one Thursday in that one class that one year when you were wearing that blue shirt?

Lindsey, it's the crack talking!

Me: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Them: You're shitting me! You've got to remember it! It was a classic Angela moment!
Me: No, I really don't.
Me: Am I being Punk'd?
Me: Do I get to meet Ashton?
Them: What?
Me: What?

So, after that, I'm just obsessed with trying to remember this one moment of my life that, of all the mortifying things that have happened to me, I seem to have repressed from my memory. And that string of thoughts morphs into me thinking about how many other memories I don't remember that someone else remembers and will probably tell stories about without me being aware at all. How many blackmail-worthy memories about me are out there that I don't know about? Probably a million. And when I'm totally famous and have millions of dollars, you just know that ALL of the embarrassing stories are going to come out from under the bed of my life.

I'm not ashamed of my past or the moments that I'd probably love to have never happened. I'm just going to be very pissed if I find out old classmates or best friends are making money off my humiliation. I want to cash-in on that sucker. It's my life, after all! I deserve to be monetizing myself! Who needs prostitution when you can get paid for being totally awkward and clumsy? Don't sell your body, sell your pain!

He looks sad and homeless. What's with
the Eddie Munster hair? It's totally because
of the diabetes. 

And let's face it, I'll probably need the extra cash to pay for my diabetes (pronounced die-uh-beat-us) medication (because y'all know I'm going to totally have high glucose levels for the rest of my life from all the Sour Patch Kids I eat every week) that I'll buy out of pocket because I'll be too lazy to fill out forms for health insurance.

Wait. Where was I going with this? 

Anyway, the lesson here is that you should never leave your house because then there are absolutely no chances of doing anything in the least bit embarrassing where people will actually see you and then proceed to form memories about that embarrassing moment involving you. Also, if you never leave your house, your chances of dying probably go down so that's a bonus! Also, don't sell your body to pay for insulin. It's not worth it. Look how Nick Jonas turned out.

New life goal: Don't become Nick Jonas. Or smoke crack. 

Play Nice, February

Hello, February! I see you've slimmed down some since last year! *leap year jokes!* 

Typically, I'm totally cool with February. Nasty-gourmet-chocolate-everyone-says-tastes-good is in high demand. It's almost always possible to get your hands on those amazing Twilight and One Direction Valentines at the drugstore (I mean, who doesn't want to tell someone they love them with Kristen Stewarts pale-ass face or a random British boy? Seriously.). I get to remember how complicated my nonexistent love life is for a consecutive 28 days. Then, after I've wallowed in self-pity, I'll get to indulge in the gourmet-chocolate Sour Patch Kids that my boyfriend  I got me myself, and we'll live happily-ever-after  then I'll go cuddle with my body pillow. See? February is awesome to me.

So, like every new month, I've set out some goals for myself (because what is life without some fun structured living?)

Credit: http://ohshrubbery.deviantart.com/art/Chocolate-54158604

1. Don't die.That's simple and self-explanatory. 
2. Don't spend all my money on unnecessary band merchandise or t-shirts with clever sayings or quotes from TV shows to compensate for the fact that I am single (We get it, IT'S NOT PENNY'S BOAT!). Ever since I got my debit card, it seems like I just can't keep it in my wallet for very long. I always have this itch to buy things online. Is it my longing to receive things in the mail? Maybe. That's not the point, though. The point is I have a problem, and money doesn't grow on trees. 
3. Don't eat the chocolate! I don't even like chocolate, but, for some reason, when it's around, I eat all the chocolate anyway. It's really sad. What did I ever do to be cursed in such a disgusting way? 
4. Gawk less at attractive people while in public. It's really just not even enjoyable anymore. Like, I get it. You're really good looking, and I have no chance of getting your attention with my messy hair and baggy clothes. Besides, I've got my heart set on bigger things. (Like a really big bag of Sour Patch Kids). I don't need the temptations! Get behind me, Satan!
5. Be weird. Okay, I'll try. It's not going to be easy coming down from such a high pedestal of weirdness, but I'll try. 

In all seriousness, people take February way too seriously. It's a month, not a 28-day-long holiday that allows you to waste your money on chocolate and have lots of sex.


Despite all the commercialism involved with February and Valentine's Day, it's really not any different from any other month of the year. Well, I guess it is slightly better because there are only 28 days, which means fewer days to be bad days, fewer days to get your heart smashed and ripped apart by careless ne'er-do-wells, fewer days to be told by your mother-in-law that you need to hit the gym and lay off the sweets, fewer days to neglect actually working on your New Year resolutions, and fewer days to convince your 15 year-old sister she needs to get her ass to rehab for that unflattering Coke addiction.  February is short, so live your days to the fullest. 


Or you can just continue to do what you're doing and live in fear of actually enjoying your life and feeling good about your choices because it's just easier than getting up off your lazy ass and greeting the world with a badass attitude. That's okay too, I guess.

Also, in honor of February, here's some tasteful music by Josh Groban: