Things I Like Because of Guys

So, I'm not perfect, and I've done some pretty stupid things to make people like me more than they already did. Life is an embarrassing time for me (but, really, who was it not an embarrassing time for? Probably hot people, just saying). And I am guilty of taking interest in all kinds of stuff just because a guy suggests I like that thing. The problem? I've ended up actually liking a lot of those things. See? I bet you thought I couldn't be any more pathetic. Well, looks like you were wrong! Ha!

1. 3OH!3 - Yeah, back in 10th grade when "Don't Trust Me" was hitting the airwaves and I was totally oblivious to what was playing on the radio, I listened to 3OH!3 because a guy forced me to. Well, forced is a heavy term to use here, but I'm pretty sure he actually did force me to listen to them... and he made me make their lyrics my FaceBook status. Yes, he was a douchebag. I know. 

2. Red Hot Chili Peppers - Another band (but who is surprised?)! Actually, if we're getting specific, I only like this band because I was told I couldn't like this band. The same douchebag as above had a thing for blocking me on FaceBook every single time I expressed any love for any RHCP song, so it because a fun little game to play every couple of months. Then, when he was finally out of the picture, I was free to actually like the band because of the band and not because of him. 

3. LOST - As much as I love LOST, it kills me to say that I only watched all 6 seasons in 4 weeks because a  guy got me to. I don't really remember not wanting to watch LOST before then because I don't even think I knew what LOST was. I just knew it was like a big deal. So, I figured "Why not?" 

4. Stephen King - Okay, this one I hadn't even realized was going to be on this list until just now. This is probably the most embarrassing one too. Yeah, I only love Stephen King because a guy lent me IT a couple of summers ago. I recall in middle school when we had to read to get AR (accelerated reader) points, and the Stephen King novels were worth like 100 points each, so the smartest guy in my class was reading them, and I was totally opposed to the idea because I am so easily terrified. But I eventually took a leap. I fell instantly in love with everything about his writing and how his books smelled and the way I felt so inspired by every single description and ending. He's just perfection. 

5. Switchfoot - It was 6th grade. I had just gotten my hands on a portable CD/ AM-FM player, and music on the radio was actually okay. Out of all the "She Will Be Loved" and "Drop It Like It's Hot," I found love in a song called "Dare You To Move".... but only because a guy liked it. Honestly, this only lasted a while, but later in high school I rekindled my love for the band. Now, I'm totally in love with everything this band is a part of. 

I'm sure there are lots of other things that I could add to this list, and I'll be accumulating more throughout the rest of my life. The thing, though, is that people will read this list and think I've been faking it, lying, changing myself to please others or make people like me, but that's not the case. I never pretended to like anything above. So, judge me, but I doubt I am alone. 

Plus, I used to be really stupid. (I still am. shhhh)

This Is The Song That Never Ends

Have you ever had one of those days where you wake up and automatically have a really annoying or shitty song stuck in your head for no apparent reason whatsoever? Like, you literally just opened your eyes and already have a song thumping in the back of your mind?  I have those like every single day of my life. No lie. And it constantly forces me to ask myself "Why was I cursed with this ability to learn music so easily?"

Just the other day, I had a solid minute of John Denver yodeling stuck in my head... all day. Of course, I doubt anyone who reads this will be able to relate to that situation because no one actually knows who John Denver is anymore, but, trust me, it's not the most pleasant thing to have playing in your head while you're trying to conjugate Latin verbs. Just imagine if you had Jason Derulo saying "JAY-SON DE-RULO" in his stupid voice on repeat all day. That was the torture that was John Denver's yodeling.  The funny part is that I actually know the words to the rest of the song... not just the yodeling portion. Of all the segments of this song, my mind chose to cling to the most annoying one! Why, brain, why? 

Yesterday afternoon, my oldest sister, Rachel, texted me telling that she had an obnoxious song stuck in her head. She knew that I would understand her pain, and I did... Because I had The Beach Boy's "Kokomo" (and yes, it is a great song but not when it never ends... ever!) on repeat in my head at that same moment. I think it's because we have the same dad... and he kind of has a history of humming or whistling the same song for like a week. Growing up with that, we were destined to have the same fate.  I know Julia has the bug too. Ya know, the way she belts out into the Les Mis soundtrack or Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance" without warning... like she'd been planning it all along or something. 

The worst is when I'm in class and I've got this obnoxious chorus or verse stuck in my head, and I can't help but tap my pen or just full-blown sing aloud the words or music. Sure, I've got a great voice when I really try, but that doesn't always happen. Sometimes it just sounds like screeching, and I don't know
how many times is appropriate to apologize for my musical nature or the fact that I can't stop singing the exact same part of a song at every moment when I don't have anything to actually say. Btw, if I am stuck on a song, I will sing all the parts, so yeah. That's fun. (Nope.)

So, if you ever talk to me or sit next to me in class or at dinner or on a Friday movie night, just know that I probably have my own personal DJ playing in my head. Sure, you can ask what's on the playlist for the day, but I'd strongly advise against that due to the fact that I have very embarrassing taste in music. 

Songs referenced in this blog post:
Calypso by John Denver
Any song ever by Jason Derulo
Bad Romance by Lady Gaga 
Kokomo by The Beach Boys 

Snorts of Love

Have you ever been in infatuation with someone? Maybe a small crush? In like? In love? Whatever you want to call it, most people have experienced that rush of hormones and adrenaline when just the idea or casual name-dropping of Mr.Handsome-Amazing or Miss Tits-and-Ass is out and about. For some people, dealing with these various feelings (or feels, as I like to formally call them) is way easy and second nature. Others might not be so fortunate. Me? Well, I'm one of those poor bastards who can't seem to make heads or tails of anything when it comes to those of the opposite sex (which is why I am 4ever alone and destined to be the neighborhood hag one day), especially when it's a Mr.Mister that I have an abundance of feels for.

For anyone who knows me and spends time with me, you have probably had the amazing opportunity to witness one of my snort-giggle-fits. Ever so often, I'll totally be trying to be cool as a cucumber when suddenly someone (usually the one I fancy... maybe just anyone who makes me feel good) will say something funny or cute and I'll catch the snorts. It's uncontrollable. Once I start snorting, it can be hard to stop. I probably look like I am one of those patients on House MD that just has seizures every 5 seconds until the end of the episode (which is when House suddenly connects all the dots to the medical mystery and cures the patient of their enigmatic case), and everyone is just waiting around to see if they'll ever stop. So, naturally, it's terribly awkward and embarrassing for me when they happens. Like, can I please just be excused from ever having to talk to anyone ever again so this doesn't happen ever again? Thanks.

I have a great fear of rejection. I can tell you right now that if I am in like with you or if I want to skip all the socially acceptable steps of courting rituals and just elope to Vegas and pop out a couple of babies with you, you might never actually hear me say any of that. Of course, I am fully aware that if people never know how you feel, you will never go anywhere, and that's really no fun when you think long and hard about it. Still, my fear cripples me. (This is where my best friend Bruce will proceed to palm-face himself... or worse... out of frustration).

The thing, though, is that even when I think the other person might like me just a bit (maybe even tolerate my presence, if I'm lucky), I still don't make a move. Why? Trust issues! I don't trust my gut. I don't trust myself. I don't trust anyone. Point. Blank. (Well, there are other reasons, but, like... those don't matter)

A drawing from The Twits? Maybe... or maybe a diagram of hag evolution!

But, I think it all goes back to the snorts. When they'll strike, nobody knows! So, I'd rather just pretend that men don't exist (or that if they do exist, they all just suck and don't deserve my love) and that my feelings don't matter and that there are benefits to being the neighborhood hag who lets her tits sag because there aren't men to impress.

So, if you take anything from this, take this: I'm probably secretly in love with you. That's all. Nothing else to see here.

*snort* 

Did I Do That?

Have you ever been talking to someone you've known for a while and then, totally out of the blue, they ask you if you remember a really embarrassing moment that happened a long time ago? That happens to me all the time. I remember pretty much everything that can be considered worth remembering or even worth forgetting, but every once in a while, someone brings up something and I have no idea what they are talking about.

Me: ... and then my toe turned blue and I nearly pissed myself. My life is so cray-cray unbelievable sometimes!
Them: Speaking of your life! Do you remember that time when you snort-farted on that one Thursday in that one class that one year when you were wearing that blue shirt?

Lindsey, it's the crack talking!

Me: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Them: You're shitting me! You've got to remember it! It was a classic Angela moment!
Me: No, I really don't.
Me: Am I being Punk'd?
Me: Do I get to meet Ashton?
Them: What?
Me: What?

So, after that, I'm just obsessed with trying to remember this one moment of my life that, of all the mortifying things that have happened to me, I seem to have repressed from my memory. And that string of thoughts morphs into me thinking about how many other memories I don't remember that someone else remembers and will probably tell stories about without me being aware at all. How many blackmail-worthy memories about me are out there that I don't know about? Probably a million. And when I'm totally famous and have millions of dollars, you just know that ALL of the embarrassing stories are going to come out from under the bed of my life.

I'm not ashamed of my past or the moments that I'd probably love to have never happened. I'm just going to be very pissed if I find out old classmates or best friends are making money off my humiliation. I want to cash-in on that sucker. It's my life, after all! I deserve to be monetizing myself! Who needs prostitution when you can get paid for being totally awkward and clumsy? Don't sell your body, sell your pain!

He looks sad and homeless. What's with
the Eddie Munster hair? It's totally because
of the diabetes. 

And let's face it, I'll probably need the extra cash to pay for my diabetes (pronounced die-uh-beat-us) medication (because y'all know I'm going to totally have high glucose levels for the rest of my life from all the Sour Patch Kids I eat every week) that I'll buy out of pocket because I'll be too lazy to fill out forms for health insurance.

Wait. Where was I going with this? 

Anyway, the lesson here is that you should never leave your house because then there are absolutely no chances of doing anything in the least bit embarrassing where people will actually see you and then proceed to form memories about that embarrassing moment involving you. Also, if you never leave your house, your chances of dying probably go down so that's a bonus! Also, don't sell your body to pay for insulin. It's not worth it. Look how Nick Jonas turned out.

New life goal: Don't become Nick Jonas. Or smoke crack.