My So-Called Singleness

We all know what today it, so I'm not going to put it in huge bolded letters. Okay, I'll do it anyway, just because you begged and pleaded on your knees. IT'S FRIDAY!

Lately, basically on every social networking site and billboard, people are complaining about Valentine's Day and how they're "#ForeverAlone" and they'll never find someone to spend the most socially constructed holiday with because they're the most disgusting human being to ever flop, wet and naked, out of someone's vagina. To those people I just have one thing to say: Shut up. Valentine's Day doesn't mean shit. It is literally just another day of the year that you can do whatever the hell you want to do without it being special. Stop feeling sorry for yourself because it's not attractive, and that's probably why you're single. Log off Facebook, get off your butt, and go out and meet people, okay? Trust me, you'll survive a day out in the real world.

Okay, now that I've gotten that out of the way, I want to talk about myself (finally).

Despite my sisters' suspicions that I have a "secret boyfriend," I am going to admit and confirm here (because my blog is a primary source for this kind of information) that I am single. And, by single, I mean that I am not presently in an official, committed relationship with anyone. But, please, GOD ALMIGHTY PLEASE, do not go out to set me up with your cousin with bacne because I am taken.

Wait, what? 

I'm about to say something that people don't seem to understand. You can be in love with someone who you're not in a relationship with. Shocking, I know! Actually, you can feel and do a lot of things without being in a relationship with someone. As long as you're respecting yourself and not out ruining lives, whatever you do is cool. For me, I am emotionally and mentally unavailable for courting, impregnation, and wiring you money to a bank in an unknown Middle Eastern country, and I have been for a while. This pretty much means that if you approach me in a "I find dates on OKCupid because that's the only place girls will fool around with me out of desperation" kind of way, it's going to go a little like this:

Some guy I kind of know: So, you should totally come back to my place and check out the new drapes in my bedroom and drink something that'll get you loose and wasted.
Me: Listen, bud, I'm kind of involved with someone right now.
Some guy I kind of know: Oh, but your Facebook, Tumblr, and Twitter all say you're single.
Me: Yeah, but trust me. I'm off the market.
Some guy I kind of know: Who is it? Do I know them?
Me: Probably not. He went to jail for beating up this one guy who hit on me. He's kind of the jealous type.

Okay, so it doesn't actually go like that, but you get the point.

The truth is that love is complicated. You should never feel pressured into being in a relationship unless it's the right time for you and the other person. For me, that time has not come because life is complicated and I am personally not ready to jump on the back of some guy's Harley and ride off into the sunset. I have too much on my plate and too many therapy sessions to attend before I'll feel like that's something I should be doing.

To be honest, I hate talking about my "love life" because people always try to complicate the things that are simple. They can't take the honest truth because there has to be a catch or something I'm not sharing.  Sure, I do keep things to myself because I (and anyone else involved) have a right to privacy and because it is really none of your business.

And, for those wondering, I'm happy with the way things are right now. I'm grateful for the time I have with the company I have, and that's all a girl needs. Who needs flowers and chocolates that'll eventually give me diarrhea and a changed relationship status on Facebook when I've got all this love and beauty in my life? Flowers will die eventually. Chocolates will be eaten. Facebook will become extinct just like MySpace.

Love and beauty are immortal as long as you keep your eyes wide open. 

Falling Without Recovery

Everyone and their mom is obsessed with falling in Love. The movies and TV shows and musical arrangements that fill the airwaves during daily drives to and from work are all full of Love stories that will either leave you curled up under your covers yearning to be touched in the best way or wanting to regurgitate the cold sweet and sour chicken you ate for lunch. The whole Love thing has become such an important force in the lives of pretty much everyone that it's even become like a big deal to tell someone that you love them in a way that's like "Yeah, I loved you before, but now I think I might want to only have sex with just you for the rest of my life." Funny how that happens, right? 

You could have asked high school Angela if she'd ever been in Love, and I can almost guarantee that she would have said yes in a heartbeat. I was stupid, though. I thought I was in Love with every guy who showed any kind of awareness of my existence or any guy who had moves on the astroturf field and do some kind of hair flip. But, let's face it, kids, that's just lust. And lust is Love's evil twin who only wants to give you herpes and a broken heart. 

I've grown up since then, and I'm not going to lie or do a fairy dance around the mushroom to avoid disclosing that I currently find myself caught between the sticky fingers of Love's iron fist. 

But I'm going to just say what no one else will say. Being in Love is shit. It's horrible. I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. 

Some mornings you open your eyes and life is rainbows and puppies and fuzzy kittens sleeping on cotton candy clouds. Suddenly you feel like nothing could possibly go wrong, and you're so happy and just want to go tell it on the mountain so everyone knows about how you have all these feelings for this one insignificantly significant individual. You finally understand the hype about Love. Well, you think you understand. After all, you're pretty much walking around in the same puff of smoke that follows you around after you leave a really good concert or have just had a totally real conversation with Josh Groban. 

Other days, you're lucky if you can get up out of bed. Your chest hurts and you miss this other person more than anything ever. It feels like you're going to actually die. I suppose you could say they're the drug 12 steps wouldn't be enough to kick, and you feel like you're going through the most painful of withdrawals. Every song is suddenly about them, and every movie stars you.  You remember the possibilities of dying of a broken heart and you're nearly positive that that's how you'll die. And, finally, the story of Romeo and Juliet makes complete sense. Maybe those two lovebirds weren't as hormonally irrational as you once thought. 

Then there are days when you absolutely hate everything about this person. You sit there and think to yourself, "Why this person? Why now? Why couldn't I be feeling all this for the cute guy who works at Subway?" You hate the way they laugh, the way they drive too fast, the way they only want you when they drink, the way they look when they think you're not watching, the way they do just about everything. It all sucks for being so damn cute and appealing like a 6-pack of bitch beer on a Friday night. You wish they'd just leave so you could just move the frig on. Like, please get out of my life now. I can't take this. You're killing me slowly. 

But there are still those days when you feel like you're in one of those corny Nicholas Sparks novels, and you're totally invincible to the rest of the world through the power of Love. You love the fact that they're around. You love every little moment you have with them, and you realize how beautiful life is while they're with you. You see them from across the room, and your heart stops and you can't imagine having a more beautiful view. They touch you, and everything feels perfect. They hold you, and you feel the safest you've ever felt. They kiss you, and you wonder if you'll ever find anything that feels more right. And that's not even explaining the feeling at it's best. That's just skidding across the surface. 

The thing about Love, though, is that despite all the aching chests and awkward first kisses and the feeling of "how will I ever move on from this moment?", it's still pretty amazing. And that, kids, is the shittiest part. 

Tales From Room 1109

So, if I hadn't made it clear over the last 40 posts or whatever, I've been living in a dorm room for the last 9 months or so. As a sophomore in college, I think it is safe to say that doing a second round in the dorms after freshman year was singlehandedly the worst mistake I have made in college thus far (but taking "Rocks for Jocks" follows close behind, just fyi). You can safely assume that as I prepare to spend my last night in this tomb of a room the hallelujah chorus is blasting as my climactic background music. 

Okay, so you might be wondering why I regret living in the dorms. Boy, where do I even begin? 

Do I start with the roommate I had for 2 months that liked to get up at 7 am every single day of the week without fail to eat a bowl of cereal as loud as she possibly could as if she was actually trying to wake me up? (Note: I didn't even have class until 12:30 so being woken up at 7 was liking waking up to Satan's buttcrack) Also, she was diabetic so I already kind of hated her for that. When she moved out in October, I pretty much celebrated by not wearing pants for an entire weekend.


Do I begin with the heathens I had living on my floor? I think I'll start with that one because it's still pretty relevant.

So, my floor is upperclassmen coed, which I thought was going to be cool and possibly increase my chances of finding my one true love (WHERE ARE MY SUITORS??). Nope. Not at all. While not everyone on my floor was terrible (mostly the people who I never saw), the rest of the floor was almost a sequel to "Carrie." I can't even count the times I tweeted about wanting to dump pig's blood all over all of them and then proceed to burn them all up in a school gym. I'm not violent, but these violent thoughts possessed me quite often. (writer problems, guys)

My floormates could possibly be the most inconsiderate people I have ever met. It's basically this one big clique that call themselves "The Party Planning Committee" (but I have actually never seen them plan anything ever). It consists of Troll Boy (he literally looks like an ugly ogre), High Leprechaun (and not even a cute leprechaun like in The Luck of the Irish), The Advanced High Schooler (he was 17 when he started his JUNIOR year of college this year soooo yeah), Biracial Miss Piggy, and The Blondes (roommates who just happened to be blonde).  You know, I'm sure they are all nice people, but no. I lost all respect for them when they decided it would be okay to have a party in the hallway in the middle of the night. No.

They are seriously the loudest people I have ever met. They don't understand common courtesy for
people who may or may not be studying or sleeping.

Yes, maybe I am a party pooping stick in the mud, but if anyone (and I seriously mean ANYONE) disturbs my sleep, I automatically hate them. My sleep is my preecccciioouuss. Take it away from me, and you will die. Eventually.

It's people like them that make me wish I had an alcohol problem. I'm not even due for that until I hit 30. Stop trying to drive me mad! 

Will I miss any of them? No. Not at all. In fact, I'll probably still hate them years from now. They'll be the first to die whenever I start writing horror novels (after my erotica goes viral, of course).

Next year, I hopefully won't be fantasizing about killing my roommates (OMG can I be British and call them flatmates?). But if I do, this blog will probably be the first to know.

But seriously, I have the worst luck with living with people. Thus, I'm probably going to die alone. Just saying.

The Romantic Gesture

I write more about romantic stuff than I actually do romantic stuff. Is that part of the curse of being a damaged writer who is forever single? Probably. 

So, I saw this retweet by Taco Bell on twitter (duhhh) and it was a girl talking about how she got asked to her prom via a verde sauce packet. Like, I guess he got a packet that had a blank white place to write your own message and he wrote "Prom?" in the space and gave it to her. Okay, maybe it is just the hopeless romantic that nests in my body all year long talking and controlling my mind, but this totally made me want a boyfriend (and no, not a creepy guy from the internet). And so I started to think about all the perfect ways a guy could propose going steady with me or asking me on a date that would just be completely irresistible to my girlish wonder.

Number one, and this will forever be a school girl fantasy for me, is through one of those stupid elementary school check-yes-or-no notes. I don't know why this approach to romance is so damn appealing to me, but it I don't think I could ever not say yes to one of those bastards (unless, of course,
the guy was a bastard... and then the cards change). Of course, sadly, I'm at an age now that doesn't really think that kind of gesture is appropriate. Instead, we just bump and grind and have casual sex with people we have no emotional attachments to. Adulthood, everyone! 

Number two is really for my inner fatass... also, I kind of stole this from The Princess Diaries, so shoot me. Anyway, a guy orders me a pizza (preferably cheese because who doesn't like cheese? Oh, right. Lactose intolerant bitches!) and then has the pizza place write out "Will you... [insert desired action here]?" in Sour Patch Kids on top. I know, it sounds totally gross, but I would eat the Sour Patch Kids before eating the pizza... maybe. Okay, I'd totally try them together, but who cares?   But, really, who could say no to that? Personally, I can't say no to pizza ever, so that's the best way to win my heart.

-___- Desmond and Daniel = Constants 4ever

Number three is also food related (damn, how have I lost 65 pounds with this much food on my mind?).  Okay, so, the guy gets a custom fortune cookie fortune made and puts it in a fortune cookie (really, Angela? you don't say?) and gives it to me after getting me chinese food. Of course, the fortune says something really cute like "Hey, sexy. Be my constant. Love, Daniel Faraday" or "Eat together, fat alone. jk. Let's be fat together." The LOST references are not optional.

Finally, concert proposals. I have been to way too many concerts where girls get proposed to by their boyfriends on stage or during the show at some point. I want that. That is like the most badass gesture in the book of gestures. If a guy could get, say, Jon Foreman, lead singer of Switchfoot, or another relevant member of a band to be like "Hey, this guy loves you lots. Go out with him/ marry him, okay?" That'd probably have a very high feedback rating. But that's just my opinion.

So, pretty much, my stomach is my heart. But is that really a surprise to anyone? 

4Ever Alone on Valentine's Day

With one week until Valentine's Day, I thought it'd be a good time to talk about being single or alone on a day that's all about sexy times with sexy people and heart-shaped things. Let's face it, a lot of people have this unhealthy grudge against the 14th day of February because they're upset that they don't have a significant other to share the day with. Seeing coworkers or friends receive bouquets of roses or those nasty boxes of gourmet chocolate can be so totally unbearable for those who haven't learned to love being single. So, what can you do on Valentine's Day alone? Well, I've made a pretty damn lame awesome list to help give you some ideas!

HERE WE GO!

1. Get caught up on all the seasons of your favorite TV shows! Still can't manage to get passed the second season of Glee? Here's a good excuse! It's not like you have anything else to do. Also, it might help you remember how much your life doesn't suck. After all, you could be in the glee club! Or take this as an opportunity to start a new show! Netflix is full of great stuff (except they still don't have Friends which kind of really sucks)

2. Eat your damn chocolate (or whatever your favorite candy is). Just because it's not that nasty gourmet stuff doesn't mean it shouldn't be eaten! No one is around to judge you based on what you consume, so indulge! You can worry about gaining weight another time. Tonight, it's all about you and Mr.Hershey. 

Yup, right into your vagina, Rose.

3. Watch Titanic. Do I seriously need to explain this one? It's one of the greatest cinematic love stories of all time. PLUS, you get to see post-sex Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet's hard-ass nipples. Who needs porn when you've got that? And this is probably the closest you're going to get to sex tonight. Right? Right. 

4. Serenade the posters on your bedroom walls like you did when you were 13. You know you're totally guilty of either singing or lip-syncing to your celebrity crushes as they hang on your walls or wherever you keep that kind of stuff. So, pick out your favorite love songs and grab your hairbrush because things are about to get crazy up in here! (This also can act as a great cardio workout depending on how crazy things get)

Oh I thought you said 5 shades of suck

5. Read  Fifty Shades of Grey. You know you've always been curious... Just go for it! What happens of Valentine's Day stays on Valentine's Day (unless it's an unwanted pregnancy... then that might come back to bite you in 9 months)

6. Call up your other single friends and have a girls/guys night. It's proven that people are less miserable when they share their misery with other people. Maybe have a sleepover or head to the bar and have drinks. Doesn't matter what you do, as long as you're with people just as miserable as you. 

7. Call your grandma. I really doubt your grandma is going to be up to much (if she is, WAY TO GO GRANDMA!) so why not ring her up and catch up on life at the nursing home. Maybe exchange knitting tips and recipes. 

8. Do whatever you usually do regardless of the day having a title. Homework? Laundry? Get really drunk? Whatever it is, do it. After all, Valentine's Day isn't even a real holiday if it doesn't get you a day off work or school. 

Valentine's Day doesn't have to be about having sex or being in a relationship with someone. It's about taking the time to tell the people you love (both romantically and platonically) that you love them. You don't need chocolate or flowers or mix-CD's to do that job. Just speak from your heart in the best way that you can. Don't pass it up. You might regret it later on.

Don't forget that February 15th means chocolate goes on sale, so stock up for the rest of the year! You'll be glad you did!