My So-Called Singleness

We all know what today it, so I'm not going to put it in huge bolded letters. Okay, I'll do it anyway, just because you begged and pleaded on your knees. IT'S FRIDAY!

Lately, basically on every social networking site and billboard, people are complaining about Valentine's Day and how they're "#ForeverAlone" and they'll never find someone to spend the most socially constructed holiday with because they're the most disgusting human being to ever flop, wet and naked, out of someone's vagina. To those people I just have one thing to say: Shut up. Valentine's Day doesn't mean shit. It is literally just another day of the year that you can do whatever the hell you want to do without it being special. Stop feeling sorry for yourself because it's not attractive, and that's probably why you're single. Log off Facebook, get off your butt, and go out and meet people, okay? Trust me, you'll survive a day out in the real world.

Okay, now that I've gotten that out of the way, I want to talk about myself (finally).

Despite my sisters' suspicions that I have a "secret boyfriend," I am going to admit and confirm here (because my blog is a primary source for this kind of information) that I am single. And, by single, I mean that I am not presently in an official, committed relationship with anyone. But, please, GOD ALMIGHTY PLEASE, do not go out to set me up with your cousin with bacne because I am taken.

Wait, what? 

I'm about to say something that people don't seem to understand. You can be in love with someone who you're not in a relationship with. Shocking, I know! Actually, you can feel and do a lot of things without being in a relationship with someone. As long as you're respecting yourself and not out ruining lives, whatever you do is cool. For me, I am emotionally and mentally unavailable for courting, impregnation, and wiring you money to a bank in an unknown Middle Eastern country, and I have been for a while. This pretty much means that if you approach me in a "I find dates on OKCupid because that's the only place girls will fool around with me out of desperation" kind of way, it's going to go a little like this:

Some guy I kind of know: So, you should totally come back to my place and check out the new drapes in my bedroom and drink something that'll get you loose and wasted.
Me: Listen, bud, I'm kind of involved with someone right now.
Some guy I kind of know: Oh, but your Facebook, Tumblr, and Twitter all say you're single.
Me: Yeah, but trust me. I'm off the market.
Some guy I kind of know: Who is it? Do I know them?
Me: Probably not. He went to jail for beating up this one guy who hit on me. He's kind of the jealous type.

Okay, so it doesn't actually go like that, but you get the point.

The truth is that love is complicated. You should never feel pressured into being in a relationship unless it's the right time for you and the other person. For me, that time has not come because life is complicated and I am personally not ready to jump on the back of some guy's Harley and ride off into the sunset. I have too much on my plate and too many therapy sessions to attend before I'll feel like that's something I should be doing.

To be honest, I hate talking about my "love life" because people always try to complicate the things that are simple. They can't take the honest truth because there has to be a catch or something I'm not sharing.  Sure, I do keep things to myself because I (and anyone else involved) have a right to privacy and because it is really none of your business.

And, for those wondering, I'm happy with the way things are right now. I'm grateful for the time I have with the company I have, and that's all a girl needs. Who needs flowers and chocolates that'll eventually give me diarrhea and a changed relationship status on Facebook when I've got all this love and beauty in my life? Flowers will die eventually. Chocolates will be eaten. Facebook will become extinct just like MySpace.

Love and beauty are immortal as long as you keep your eyes wide open. 

The Romantic Gesture

I write more about romantic stuff than I actually do romantic stuff. Is that part of the curse of being a damaged writer who is forever single? Probably. 

So, I saw this retweet by Taco Bell on twitter (duhhh) and it was a girl talking about how she got asked to her prom via a verde sauce packet. Like, I guess he got a packet that had a blank white place to write your own message and he wrote "Prom?" in the space and gave it to her. Okay, maybe it is just the hopeless romantic that nests in my body all year long talking and controlling my mind, but this totally made me want a boyfriend (and no, not a creepy guy from the internet). And so I started to think about all the perfect ways a guy could propose going steady with me or asking me on a date that would just be completely irresistible to my girlish wonder.

Number one, and this will forever be a school girl fantasy for me, is through one of those stupid elementary school check-yes-or-no notes. I don't know why this approach to romance is so damn appealing to me, but it I don't think I could ever not say yes to one of those bastards (unless, of course,
the guy was a bastard... and then the cards change). Of course, sadly, I'm at an age now that doesn't really think that kind of gesture is appropriate. Instead, we just bump and grind and have casual sex with people we have no emotional attachments to. Adulthood, everyone! 

Number two is really for my inner fatass... also, I kind of stole this from The Princess Diaries, so shoot me. Anyway, a guy orders me a pizza (preferably cheese because who doesn't like cheese? Oh, right. Lactose intolerant bitches!) and then has the pizza place write out "Will you... [insert desired action here]?" in Sour Patch Kids on top. I know, it sounds totally gross, but I would eat the Sour Patch Kids before eating the pizza... maybe. Okay, I'd totally try them together, but who cares?   But, really, who could say no to that? Personally, I can't say no to pizza ever, so that's the best way to win my heart.

-___- Desmond and Daniel = Constants 4ever

Number three is also food related (damn, how have I lost 65 pounds with this much food on my mind?).  Okay, so, the guy gets a custom fortune cookie fortune made and puts it in a fortune cookie (really, Angela? you don't say?) and gives it to me after getting me chinese food. Of course, the fortune says something really cute like "Hey, sexy. Be my constant. Love, Daniel Faraday" or "Eat together, fat alone. jk. Let's be fat together." The LOST references are not optional.

Finally, concert proposals. I have been to way too many concerts where girls get proposed to by their boyfriends on stage or during the show at some point. I want that. That is like the most badass gesture in the book of gestures. If a guy could get, say, Jon Foreman, lead singer of Switchfoot, or another relevant member of a band to be like "Hey, this guy loves you lots. Go out with him/ marry him, okay?" That'd probably have a very high feedback rating. But that's just my opinion.

So, pretty much, my stomach is my heart. But is that really a surprise to anyone? 

4Ever Alone on Valentine's Day

With one week until Valentine's Day, I thought it'd be a good time to talk about being single or alone on a day that's all about sexy times with sexy people and heart-shaped things. Let's face it, a lot of people have this unhealthy grudge against the 14th day of February because they're upset that they don't have a significant other to share the day with. Seeing coworkers or friends receive bouquets of roses or those nasty boxes of gourmet chocolate can be so totally unbearable for those who haven't learned to love being single. So, what can you do on Valentine's Day alone? Well, I've made a pretty damn lame awesome list to help give you some ideas!

HERE WE GO!

1. Get caught up on all the seasons of your favorite TV shows! Still can't manage to get passed the second season of Glee? Here's a good excuse! It's not like you have anything else to do. Also, it might help you remember how much your life doesn't suck. After all, you could be in the glee club! Or take this as an opportunity to start a new show! Netflix is full of great stuff (except they still don't have Friends which kind of really sucks)

2. Eat your damn chocolate (or whatever your favorite candy is). Just because it's not that nasty gourmet stuff doesn't mean it shouldn't be eaten! No one is around to judge you based on what you consume, so indulge! You can worry about gaining weight another time. Tonight, it's all about you and Mr.Hershey. 

Yup, right into your vagina, Rose.

3. Watch Titanic. Do I seriously need to explain this one? It's one of the greatest cinematic love stories of all time. PLUS, you get to see post-sex Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet's hard-ass nipples. Who needs porn when you've got that? And this is probably the closest you're going to get to sex tonight. Right? Right. 

4. Serenade the posters on your bedroom walls like you did when you were 13. You know you're totally guilty of either singing or lip-syncing to your celebrity crushes as they hang on your walls or wherever you keep that kind of stuff. So, pick out your favorite love songs and grab your hairbrush because things are about to get crazy up in here! (This also can act as a great cardio workout depending on how crazy things get)

Oh I thought you said 5 shades of suck

5. Read  Fifty Shades of Grey. You know you've always been curious... Just go for it! What happens of Valentine's Day stays on Valentine's Day (unless it's an unwanted pregnancy... then that might come back to bite you in 9 months)

6. Call up your other single friends and have a girls/guys night. It's proven that people are less miserable when they share their misery with other people. Maybe have a sleepover or head to the bar and have drinks. Doesn't matter what you do, as long as you're with people just as miserable as you. 

7. Call your grandma. I really doubt your grandma is going to be up to much (if she is, WAY TO GO GRANDMA!) so why not ring her up and catch up on life at the nursing home. Maybe exchange knitting tips and recipes. 

8. Do whatever you usually do regardless of the day having a title. Homework? Laundry? Get really drunk? Whatever it is, do it. After all, Valentine's Day isn't even a real holiday if it doesn't get you a day off work or school. 

Valentine's Day doesn't have to be about having sex or being in a relationship with someone. It's about taking the time to tell the people you love (both romantically and platonically) that you love them. You don't need chocolate or flowers or mix-CD's to do that job. Just speak from your heart in the best way that you can. Don't pass it up. You might regret it later on.

Don't forget that February 15th means chocolate goes on sale, so stock up for the rest of the year! You'll be glad you did!