Christmas, Enneagrams, and Someone's Rectum

How sad is it that it isn't even halfway through September and I'm already dreaming about Christmas stuff? I'm really just a firm believer in the discontinuation of this awful Oklahoma heat and the beginning of a beautiful relationship with the crisp, mesmerizing presence of fall. I need sweaters and jeans and boots and for the urge to drink large quantities of hot chocolate to be completely acceptable. Also, I already need a break from this school stuff. Can we say "September sucks!"?

But in all seriousness, I'll probably be complaining about the cold weather come late October and early November because that's pretty much how I run this shit. I complain about one thing and complain about the complete opposite later. I am never quite satisfied with anything unless you're talking about Sour Patch Kids. In that case, I am always satisfied as long as I have them. (BTW, it's been what? 2 weeks without SPK. Dying over here, people!)

So, in my Men and Masculinity class that I'm taking for my minor in Women/Gender Studies, we recently took Enneagram tests to find our Enneagram types. I originally got a 5 as my type, but my instructor told me I am definitely a 6 based on looked at my face. That probably makes a lot of sense because 6's are basically the poster children of anxiety. Both types fit me perfectly, so perhaps I am actually a 5.5 type. And I had Julia take it and hers fit her perfectly. So, I honestly think everyone should take the damn test. It's normally freaky accurate and you may realize some new things about yourself in the process. Just, trust me, okay? And if you're one of those shitty people that I love that I asked to take it, get on it, or I'll be forced to dominate you like a beast.

In other news, once again I am being forced to write a short story. I'm sure at least one of you remembers the last time I attempted writing a short story (BE REMINDED BY CLICKING HERE BITCHES!). And sure enough, I am yet again experiencing great turmoil over this piece of crap. And, mind you, my current assignment is due.... TOMORROW. So, yeah, while I'm writing this, I should actually be working on my story, which will probably turn out to be a mediocre, hard piece of shit that's stuck in someone's rectum. 

However, this time around, I'm using my own interests and making it a bit spicy, so maybe it won't come out soooo terrible. It'll just be terrible. Too bad no one will ever get to read this ever (unless you're my professor, of course). That's how raunchy it is. But I always keep it classy, guys. Don't worry.

(I'm really going to need a little something-something to drink after all this, though)

As for the next assignment, which is due somewhere in October, I should probably start working on
that immediately so I don't end up waiting until the very last minute to pop something out. After all, my grade depends on my ability to pop good shit out. Ain't nobody got time for hard, mediocre pieces of shit!

My only motivation is that I know I'll be able to watch Smallville all weekend after I finish this. Someone, bring me a beer! 

Why The Rush, August?

Wow. How prompt am I in welcoming August to 2013? Well, in all fairness, I have barely been home or mentally awake for the last couple of days, so don't hate. But seriously. I haven't even changed the page on my calendar. I didn't even see my family or bed or dog or a clean change of clothes for 2 days, so my bad for not being on my game!

In my little corner of the universe, August means 2 very important things: 1) Time for school to start again and 2) Time for me to spend way too much on cool school supplies I'll probably never use at all the entire 9 months that I'm in school. Yeah, I'll admit, even at the age that I am, my favorite kind of shopping is school supplies shopping, and it saddens me so much that college doesn't require me to have a big box of crayons and an assortment of Lisa Frank folders and pencils. Instead, I'm good to go with a few Five Star notebooks and a pack of pens. Maybe a mechanical pencil or two. This is just growing up, I guess.

In other news, August now means me moving into my *drumroll please* very first apartment! In about a week and a half, I'll be making the 2 hour trek back to the sometimes-too-dangerous-for-anyone Norman, Oklahoma to begin my junior year at college, and I'll be living with three other girls (let's see how long it takes before I go all Carrie on their asses. Just kidding) (Nope.) I think it's finally hitting
me that summer is coming to a close soon and that I'll be living like a legit adult. (Like buying groceries and cooking and having my own full-sized bed. Those are adult things, right?)

August also means me no longer being employed. Oh what fun it has been to not come home smelling like chow mein or having sweet and sour sauce in random places on my body these last couple of days! I mean, I am so grateful that I was able to make some good money this summer, but you know I am even more grateful that I don't have to worry about that shit anymore (that is, until I'm back to being poor and unable to afford my Sour Patch Kids addiction). SCREW YOU, CHINESE FOOD! 

So, August is going to be pretty crazy and awesome and wonderful and slightly sad and just a tad bit stressful. This pretty much guarantees me having a 5-star, Emmy-nominated meltdown (and me getting really drunk too) at some point, but that is something future Angela can deal with.  I mean, August has already been pretty awesome, so don't rain on my parade.

But, hey, I'll be blogging pretty much everything this month, so you won't miss out on anything that's clean enough for me to write about without having to put a "Not Safe For Work" warning on here. Just kidding. I'll even include that stuff here.

10 Tips for Incoming College Freshman

Probably. It's college after all.

With my newly engaged "oh-my-god-I'm-going-back-to-school-in-like-3 weeks" panic, it kind of hit me that  I'm not the only person preparing to pack up all the shit I thought I was finished dealing with when I finished unpacking it (finally) just a few weeks ago. I'm sort of a lucky one seeing as I've done this juggling act multiple times now. I mean, does it get any easier each year? No, not really, but I've definitely learned so much from just living and going with the flow of things. 

So, for any readers headed back to college for either the first time or the millionth, I've compiled some tips I think might be helpful in one way or another.

1. As you pack your stuff to move to your residence hall, apartment, or house away from where you normally reside or keep a majority of your things, try to clean your room. The cleaner you leave it when you head out the door, the happier you'll be when you come home for any weekends or major holiday breaks.

2. Don't overpack. I am definitely guilty of having overpacked my freshman year of college. I pretty much thought it was best if I took everything I could possibly need (aka everything I owned). Unless you're unsure of the climate changes in the city or state you're moving to, or are moving so far away from home that you have no other choice, don't take your winter clothes with you when it is still 110 degrees outside. Also, don't take clothes you don't wear. What? You think college is going to suddenly make you want to wear that skirt you bought a year ago that still has the price tags attached? No. If you haven't worn it since New Year's, don't take it. Donate it or sell it. As for books, movies, and other knick-knacks, be conservative,

3. Take advantage of amenities your tuition pays for. Most schools give every student a gym membership with their tuition. My school has tons of locations to play outdoor sports. If you want to avoid becoming sluggish or GASP! gaining the glorious freshman 15, I strongly suggest you go hog wild while you're not paying for these things right out of your own pocket. Also, if your school has a stupid fee for walking on the damn grass, you better walk on that damn grass every single day.

4. Don't pull all-nighters if you don't have to. Personally, I have never in my whole life pulled an academic all-nighter. I love my sleep way too much to even consider it. If you're like me, do your work ahead of time so you're not scrambling the night before to finish a 10 page paper comparing evolution and creationism. You'll thank yourself in the long run.


5. Make a friend in each of your classes. Not only will it make going to class more enjoyable, but you also won't feel like a total outcast if you don't already have friends in that lecture or lab. They are helpful for when you miss a class because you're too hungover or just too lazy. You can easily email or text them asking for missed notes, assignments, or any announcements the professor might have made during that class period. Plus, HELLO! Study buddy! 

6. Join student organizations at the beginning of the semester. Don't be the person who spends all their time in their room playing video games alone or studying. College isn't just about academics. It's also about making friends, making connections, and learning to interact with new people.

7. Orientation weekend is a goldmine! Free everything! Take advantage of any coupons, free shirts or other gear, free food, and learning about what's happening on campus. Also, local businesses might have booths set-up, so walk around and take a peek. Also, and I can't stress this enough, if there is a booth with free safe-sex resources, TAKE THEM ALL. Ain't nobody got time to a raise a baby or nurse an STD/STI. Even if you don't plan on having any kind of sexy times until you're married, take them. They may come in handy at some time for either you or a friend. 


8. You don't have to like your roommate, but you still need to respect them. Think common courtesy. Do unto others as you would have done unto you. Don't be THAT roommate who makes tons of noise while the other sleeps or have unannounced sexy times without a little warning. Maybe make some kind of roommate agreement when you move-in to insure that things won't be a living Hell for both of you.

NOTHING MAKES SENSE ON MY BLOG ANYMORE! 

9. Majors are for schmucks (sometimes). If you don't have any idea what you want to major in or even what you might want to do after college, no sweat. Tons of college students go undecided until the very last possible second. Take your time taking the classes that sound most interesting to you, and then go from there.

10. Make it your own experience. 

So, hopefully some of those tips helped you out. And if not, I don't care. I'm just a junior in college with a blog. What do I know? 

The Harsh Truth About College

In high school, everyone and their long lost cousin tells you that college is worth the brutal torture that is high school, that your college years will be some of the best years of your life. I'm still waiting to see what all the fuss about college is to these people. Like, maybe their high school years were the trots, so, naturally, college sucked way less for them? Maybe they were one of the lucky ones who didn't completely lose their sanity (or maybe they did.... and that's why they think college is the bomb dot com) in the hectic mess of college courses, drunken nights, and the horrid freshman 15. Now, I don't think that college necessarily is the worst thing ever (trust me, it isn't), but I feel like there are a lot of things that get overlooked once you're out of the system.

Welcome to the real world. 

Everyone wants to know about what you've got planned for your future or what you're going to do with your useless writing degree. No matter what your major is or if you're still in that awkward "undecided" rut, you probably have some kind of idea of what you might want to do once you've got your degree and are finally free to make all kinds of batshit crazy mistakes with your life. I think people have this idea that whatever you study in college must be something that is going to get you a job that will put you in a higher tax bracket and allow you to send your kids to a snooty private school that might resemble Hogwarts. Why is that? So, naturally, when I tell people I'm a writing major, they automatically tell me that I'm probably not going to make it and should consider a major in business or decide to go pre-law or whatever. It sucks to be unsure of your own life choices, but when other people start poking around, trying to keep you from living.... Well, that takes all the fun out of majoring in something you love. It's like everyone tells you to do what you love but then, when you've decided to take that pretty piece of advice, tell you you're throwing your future away by doing so.  Thus, we all have majors we hate with classes that screw us over every single day and Mom and Dad's reserved nod of approval. 

You're a broke-ass pathetic zombie all the time.  It doesn't matter if you promptly go to bed at a time before midnight and sleep until noon, you're constantly tired. It's the kind of tired that never ends. I think it's called growing up.   Say goodbye to your stain-free pearly whites and hello to a large energy drink that could possibly kill you since you doubled your dose of Adderall a few seconds before guzzling it.  Oh? What's that? You just spent your last five bucks on that energy drink? No one cares! Get a job... oh wait... you can't get a job because your schedule is packed and, let's face it, you're way too damn tired to hold any kind of position anywhere. College is so much fun, ain't it? 

Greek pressure exists. So, maybe you decided not to follow the herd of goats headed to the Greek factory to be slaughtered, and maybe you did... I don't care. I can't tell you how many sorority or fraternity members I have talked to who have let slip that they actually kind of hate the Greek life. There is a limit on the partying, and, when that goes away and the beer goggles come off, you see how much of a mess you've gotten yourself into. Am I really paying this much money to share one bathroom with all of these people? Now, I totally understand why people go Greek, and, for the most part, it's all really beneficial to your future, but when you feel pressured into rushing or pledging Greek because it's "what all the cool kids are doing" and then learn you absolutely hate it, well, you can pretty much say farewell to having a happy college life. And then, of course, there is the disapproving gaze from the campus Plastics towards those who decided they like wearing pants that aren't leggings (because some people don't want to look like they are headed to the gym all day long, thank you very much). Now, tell me that doesn't make you feel like a total recalled Barbie doll. It totally sucks.

Let me know when you figure it out, Belle.

It sucks major Tootsie Pop when you realize you're just a speck of dust on a giant dust bunny under someone's bed. In a lecture hall thats filled with over 400 people just like you, you start to feel like you don't even matter. This professor will never notice me or learn my name because he just doesn't care. It's easy to get caught-up in the system of robotically taking notes and writing papers and barely getting by on exams (because we're not all lucky to have photographic memories or natural test-taking abilities). And, yes, you're lucky if you stand out to a professor or to really anyone who you don't already call a friend or a significant other. Some people wonder why college students get depressed or self-harm or worse.... and, you know, it's because college can make you feel like you're alone and voiceless because everyone is talking at once. There is no order or rule or talking stick to pass around while you sit criss-cross-applesauce on the floor. You either speak boldly or get washed away in the sound.

If you're in college, you may agree or disagree on these things, and, if you're in high school still, don't worry. You're safe for now.

Sophomore Slump, Kiss My Keister

A warning at the carwash or for my semester?

I wake up between the unholy hour of 8 am and the mildly unfair hour of 9 am Monday through Friday and, like clockwork, turn out the lights to sink into my own steady beat of insomnia at 11 pm (an unheard of time for many college students. I know.) most nights. I attend 18 hours of class on the regular, never missing a beat, and I manage to workout 4 or 5 times a week and eat food that isn't artificially flavored or colored. Oh, and I do all of this while still keeping myself caught up on my TV shows and demolishing the stack of books by my bed. This is my life. 

As a second semester sophomore in college, I know the system pretty well. I've got a routine packed down securely, and, as long as I follow that routine, I'm going to survive this semester. Now, you might be thinking to yourself: Angela, you make college sound like it's a fight to the death. I think you're overreacting just a tad! And, you know, I'd agree with you for the most part. I just don't think you heard me when I said I was taking 18 HOURS!!!  In college terms, that's a mouthful of the trots right there! 19 hours is the limit for students here at the University of Oklahoma, so being one under that is pretty gutsy. 

I've been joking to myself for the last two weeks that I've become some sort of overachiever since the beginning of the semester. I have due dates scribbled in black ink across my calendar and stacks of assorted Post-It Notes with to-do lists and outlines carefully laid out all over my desk.  This wasn't me last semester, and this sure as hell wasn't me my freshman year (the year I procrastinated, watched LOST, and gained 15 pounds eating Burger King and drinking strawberry Fanta). 

My freshman year in a nutshell after watching 6 seasons of LOST in 4 weeks

I remember how bugged out sophomore year of high school made me, so why shouldn't I have expected the exact same thing out of college? Sure, sophomores in high school only need to conquer their geometry and chemistry classes while striving to control their sexual tension and random outbreaks of zit metropolises on their faces. I'm in a whole other lifeboat on this sinking ship, and Leonardo DiCaprio is nowhere in sight to save me! I've got second semester Latin (can you say, carpe kill me?) and the fact that my clothes never seem to match to worry about! 

It all sounds so sophomoric, don't you think? Exactly. 

I've decided that, despite the curse of the Sophomore Slump, I'm not going to let this semester own me. I was once called Superwoman by a friend, and now I'm here to prove that true. So, watch out professors, peers, and South Oval preachers! I am woman, hear me roar!