September, Be Sweet

Hello, September! So, we meet again.  Hope you don't suck a big black fat one like you did last year! And with that, I flip the page of my calendar to discover how much school stuff I have going on the next couple of weeks. Yeah, I'm having a love/hate relationship with September lately. Can we just fast-forward to Christmas break? No? Really? That's not possible to do? Oh.

I'm going to be really honest, I'm kind of dry on writing material right now because my life is insane (you can probably see that based on my latest blog posts, so I really haven't done a good job at trying to hide it) and sometimes my brain dies on me and I kind of feel like pounding it with one of those defibrillators, but I can't really do that. So, for the record, I'm trying, but I'm probably going to really suck for a while until I find another reason to talk about sex. I know, I know.

It's a little weird to look back on the things I wrote way back when I first started writing on this blog. Everything just came naturally and I didn't have to sit around waiting for something funny or interesting to hit me like a sack of bricks. Posts like this or this were written because I am a random ass college student with random ass, sleep-deprived thoughts. What happened to that instant ability? Screw you, aging and stress and depression and more stress on top and not enough sour patch kids and pizza. Screw all you to heck! 

Wait. I can totally mention sex. Hold on. 

So, I normally don't randomly plug articles on my blog, but I came across this really awesome article titled "Fat Sex: What Every Wants To Know But Is Afraid to Ask," and I think it struck me hard enough for me to want to talk about it some and share it with any of my readers who may be really curious about stuff or who might be in the same boat as a lot of "more-to-love" people out in the world. Basically I loved that the article pointed out that women need to stop trying to hide their fat during sex because their partner is already fully aware of how fat they are. She also goes on to show easy ways to make "fat sex" easier and more enjoyable. It's just a very informative read and also a complete confidence boost. So, I definitely suggest you people go read it.

I don't know. If you guys have topic suggestions for me, please, I beg of you, leave them in the comments or if you actually know me in real life, hit me up. I'm desperate. I'm this close to selling my body on the corner by 7-Eleven and Sonic.

I'll just leave you with Avril Lavigne's latest single "Rock N Roll"

How To Blog Like A Pro

I've been blogging for... a while now. Like, not a long time, but long enough to know the in's and the out's of running an almost tolerable blog here on the World Wide Web. I know that you should probably not post things that are offensive to lots of people or anything that may come back to dig its very sharp teeth very deep into your rotund ass. Also, you should probably not post nudes unless you're willing to get creepy messages from strange men in the deep south of Nigeria... or if you're not older than 18. That may get you in legal trouble.

Anyway, I've learned some stuff, and I have come here today to share some of my novice wisdom with the rest of the blogging world. You ready for this?

1. You don't have to blog about what you think the world will care about. You should just write what you know or what you're curious about or whatever you're friggin passionate about. It doesn't matter. People really don't care. You just gotta do you. 

2. Commenting on other people's blogs will probably help other people find you. It's worked for me. Try it, and if it doesn't work, your blog must really suck. I'm sorry.

3. Post regularly or as often as you can. If your readers are familiar with your pattern for posting, they'll know when to visit your blog to see if you've updated. If you're so sporadic that you don't even know when you're going to sit down and write, how do you expect anyone else to? Let your blog be reliable for the people who actually read it.

4. Only write when you're ready to write and feel like writing. Never feel pressured to put out content. That'll just make you hate writing. And if you really love writing, you shouldn't want to do anything to make you hate it. I mean, would if you love macaroni and cheese, would you ruin it by putting mint toothpaste in it? Probably not.

5. Page views and fame and followers don't come overnight. Give it time. And, hey, you might actually have to work at publicizing your blog. Try different networking strategies. Utilize the websites you already use (i.e.. Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Plurk, etc). You'll be surprised what happens just from that.

6. Tags! For the love all that is bright and beautiful and amazing, tag your posts with all the things that might be goldmines for traffic! Yeah, I tag almost everything I could possibly tag. Often times it's things like "Boobs" and "Penis flaps" or "Hot men" but it's usually pretty relevant.  I mean, take a look at what people search to find me-

If I took a shot every time penis showed up, I'd be pretty wasted. That's all. 

7. Don't be afraid to take a risk. Try it. See what comes out of it. You may be surprised.

So, there you go. Some blogging tips from a girl who's been blogging off and on for the last million years. Hopefully you'll actually try to take my tips into consideration so your blog won't suck so much. I'm just kidding. No I'm not. I'm sorry. Please don't take me seriously.

(Wait.. what?)

I Write The Things That No One Reads

I've been thinking lately about writing. I like to think that I'm a writer, I guess, so I should know a thing or two about writing. Maybe? 

I realized the other day that I began writing way back when strictly on paper with an extra sharp Dixon Ticonderoga #2 pencil (Let's face it, they take the cake with those super soft erasers that won't rip your paper when you're furiously erasing half a math test in the 5th grade when you realize you've been using the wrong formulas for circles) and only for school stuff. I want to say with confidence that I am pretty sure the first paper I ever wrote on a computer was a report on hurricanes for 5th grade English. Before that, every single thing I wrote was written by hand.

I can picture so clearly the time one of my teachers assigned my class to write 100-word essays on something probably really stupid and I had to count the words on this piece of college-ruled notebook paper as I went. It seemed like too many words at the time. 100 words was an infinity. It was the dictionary. It was a Charles Dicken's novel. Now, that's like two or three sentences if I'm trying to be really fancy and have a strange need to write everything in really drawn out language like most of the sentences in this blog. Maybe a small paragraph if I'm feeling super lazy and unmotivated. Today, I just have to look down at the bottom of Microsoft Word to see how many words I've written.

Sadly, I don't write on paper with an actual writing utensil as much anymore as I would like to say. There's still something awesome about hearing the grinding of pencil lead on a sheet of lined notebook paper as you suddenly get hit with inspiration or finally figure out the perfect way to state whatever kind of bullshit you've been unscrambling in your mind.  I do most of my writing on the computer now.  It's fast and it causes way fewer hand cramps at the end of an hour of writing, ya know?

At the beginning of 2013, I decided I wanted to keep a composition notebook style journal over the course of the year. So, that worked out just fine for January, but when February hit, I lost all ability to write anything with my hands. So, now I have a month of random journal entries about boobs and school and my inability to not be nervous about everything that happens in my life and a few half-finished entries that took me 2 weeks to write. But, for some reason, I've kept up with this blog for almost four months or so. I don't know what logic is anymore.

Writing, while something that not everyone seems to like or be good at even if they try and try and try and be okay at it, is something I'm kind of pretty sure doesn't have to be done in any certain way, but it's just strange to think about how my methods of writing have change over time as technology changed. Like, when was the last time I turned in a handwritten assignment that was actually graded? I don't know!

Like, are there writers who write by hand and think they are just better than all the writers who write on
computers and typewriters? Probably. Pretentious writers. 

And then there's me. I write on all the platforms, but no one ever reads it.

An Excuse to Write

It's said that it takes something like 10,000 hours of practice to master a skill or career. At least, that's what the guy who wrote that Outliers book said (which, btw, if you've never read that particular book, go spend your heroin money on something that won't rot your braincells). Ever since I read this little bit of information my senior year of high school, I haven't really given much thought to how much time 10,000 hours really is. That's a whole lot of time, if you hadn't figured it out yet. I mean, what else have a I spent 10,000 hours doing? Sleeping? Eating? Clicking my heels together while wishing that he'd finally man up and plant a wet one on me? I don't know. And then I think about my writing. How many hours have I spent writing shitty research papers while shamelessly citing Nick Jonas' diabetes? Writing passive aggressive poetry? Blogging about things that don't necessarily matter to anyone (even myself, sometimes)? I don't know.

Realistically, I probably am nowhere near 10,000 hours of writing, but I see this as a reason to write more and to keep writing. Maybe this whole "keep a blog for school because blogging is the next big job market and thing that will put bread on your table so you don't resort to becoming the next (who am I) 24601" that I keep hearing isn't just because, yeah, one day I might get a job with a company because they need someone with experience with blogging. Maybe it's an easy way to cumulate some hours of writing so I get the suck and lack-of-experience out of my system.

So, what do I write about? 

This is the hard part. You see, I am always listening. Always watching. Always wondering what's going to happen next. That being said, I have years of blackmail at my disposal. This, mind you, is one of the amazing perks to being A) an ignored and forgotten middle child and B) someone no one truly considers a threat. I could write about that thing that someone did or said while totally wasted. About equal rights for the left and right boob during awkwardly irresistible encounters with second base etiquette. About every inch of oppressed anger and frustration that lingers in my veins. About my failed attempt to steal the wedding band of the lead singer of Switchfoot during a gig in Oklahoma City.  About car wrecks and sprained ankles and unappealing ankle tattoos on PE teachers and casseroles that didn't give my intestines the heebie-jeebies and books that made me laugh and cry at the same time and how I got matching bruises on my shins and roadside attraction spankings on family vacations. I have a lifetime of stories to tell, but where do I dare to begin?

I need an excuse to write. I need prompts. I need inspiration. I need someone to say, "Hey, tell me about that time...." and trigger multiple heart attacks due to the stress of having to actually talk about an era of my less-than-enthusing life. I want someone to ask to be told about something. Otherwise, these stories may go completely unheard and, consequently, forgotten.

Sure, this blog post is an excuse for me to write, but I feel like that's okay. I've used this blank canvas for other things. Why not use it to increase some writing time? I see no harm in that. Actually, all blogs should be an excuse to write.

The things tales, stories I've mentioned in this entry may one day be read or heard, but, right now, I think I'll keep them to myself. Save them for a rainy day... When I need another excuse to write. 

The First Post...

... is always the hardest to write. 

Take it from someone who has started (and eventually abandoned) dozens of blogs over the last 7 years or so. I know what I'm talking about. Now, I don't consider myself a professional or even a novice at blogging, so don't put me on a cushioned, velvet throne just yet. I make tons of mistakes all the time. I've just done this so many times, that I know exactly what kind of mushy, gross anxiety newborn bloggers are feeling the first time they sit down to write a post.

I'm not required to make this post. It's just something I have to do.
This is part of my nest-building routine.
Yes, as silly as it might sound, this blog is my nest.
I'm building a home (Isn't it really cute and adorable? :D) for myself and for bigger possibilities in the future.

I'm never sure how to leave my first mark on this blank canvas. Do I talk about myself? Do I just jump in headfirst with my eyes shut tight and hope that I'll hit the water? Who am I even talking to? Who is my audience? Do I even have something worth saying? Is it too late to just not do this? Did I put on deodorant this morning? These are the questions I ask myself every single time I start a new blog. And I still don't have the answers!

Pointblank: blogging is scary. It's mortifying. And it is really awkward at first. 

For the first time in a really long time, I'm aiming to write for an audience. 90% of the blogs I've had in the past have been zones for me to just let everything go. I didn't want anyone seeing that part of me, so I kept it so far on the down-low that it probably wasn't even on the radar for site traffic. I can't do that this time. It's not just me talking to myself anymore. Someone somewhere at some time is going to read this post. That's scary to think about. 

The first post is the hardest to write because it just is. You might not have a voice or a rhythm yet, and that's okay. For instance, this post is so jumpy, it's a little embarrassing, and I might actually come back to this weeks or months from now and literally slap myself for not making much sense or having any guidelines. It's also perfectly fine to suck and make tons of mistakes at first. Maureen Johnson, author of 13 Little Blue Envelopes, once said that the best way to become a better writer is to suck. Suck all you can! I mean, look at me! I'm still sucking!

I just know I love to write. For me, that is a good enough reason to abandon my insecurities, my worries, and my panic and to embrace that ball of nerves twerking in my stomach right this very moment.

So, if you're reading this and are nervous about taking that first leap into the swimming pool of blogging, go for it. You'll never regret it. Trust me, the water is fine. Just watch out for the trolls and pornbots. ;D