Yes, WebMD, I Must Be Dying!

Credit: http://peezhoun.deviantart.com/art/Sexy-Grim-Reaper-348651992

Having had health complications in the past, I know I'm guilty of scratching that itch to go to Google and self-diagnose numerous amounts of ailments and terminal illnesses. Just yesterday, in fact, I had this uncomfortable stiff, bloated feeling right below my damn bra wire, and I kind of flipped my shit for a moment thinking I was going to probably die any day in the near future. Yeah, I didn't even jump to a specific disease or even cancer first. I went straight for Mr.Reaper  Mr.Dead Sexy himself.

I've used pretty much every health and disease diagnostic website out there. WebMD is pretty reliable for most ailments. It's probably the most legit out of all the sketchy websites out there. For some reason, though, it always thinks I have cancer. I don't know whether to take that as a good or bad sign. There's also DiagnosisPro, which I've only used once or twice. It's not as pretty looking as WebMD, though, so I'd only make this like a Plan C if you're in desperate need of a third opinion. Again, it always tells me I have cancer. Hmm, am I just missing the point here? Another handy resource for all your jank medical needs is Mayo Clinic . It's so easy to use, my not-so-tech-savvy father could probably use it. (Sorry, Daddy!) I'm going to tell you straight out that if you're looking for a serious diagnosis from a computer, you should probably hit up Mayo Clinic. They always know that my IBS isn't colon cancer. If only they'd understand the same thing about my phantom gallbladder attacks (Yup, I'm missing my G-Bizzle. Ain't no thang but a chicken wang, guys!) not being terminal cancer.

Poe: Deep as a pit 

But seriously. Let's just talk about how every diagnostic website wishes cancer upon it's visitors. I have a pain in a place on my body where I may or may not know what is actually there, and I go to my trusted online symptom checkers because I believe deep (like way deep... like Edgar Allan Poe deep) down inside that they will tell me the truth about my body. I'm stressed out because I've got this damn pain in my ass and no hardcore over-the-counter drugs to ease my suffering AND I probably need to start writing a will because I don't trust any of my sisters with my possessions. I'm thinking the absolute worst! I am in a very vulnerable place, and I just want to see the silver lining of a good bill of health. But no, I'm not that lucky.

So, I've pretty much had cancer everywhere, according to the Internet. I guess that'll be a great story to tell to my grandkids one day.

Me: Did I ever tell you about the time I survived both breast AND testicular cancer all in the same week?
Grandkid: Grandma, that's not even possible.
Me: I know. I'm a living miracle, John Denver Lennon Mayer. I'm so lucky to be alive! L'chaim! To life!
Grandkid: We're not Jewish, though.
Me: Don't sass me, boy! Ain't nobody got time for that!

Okay, so maybe it won't go like that (Because I'll slap the white off my son/daughter if one of my grandchildren is named John Denver Lennon Mayer).

The lesson here is this: the Internet lies.   It means well, but it lies like no other.

So, next time you have an unexplainable headache or rash in an embarrassing place, don't necessarily jump to conclusions based on an Internet search. You just need to make friends with doctors so you can text them whenever you want without having to make an appointment or pay ridiculous bills.

Or, ya know, if you're too lazy to do that, the Internet is always there. Just remember to put me in your will when you find out you're dying! :D