How To Blog Like A Pro

I've been blogging for... a while now. Like, not a long time, but long enough to know the in's and the out's of running an almost tolerable blog here on the World Wide Web. I know that you should probably not post things that are offensive to lots of people or anything that may come back to dig its very sharp teeth very deep into your rotund ass. Also, you should probably not post nudes unless you're willing to get creepy messages from strange men in the deep south of Nigeria... or if you're not older than 18. That may get you in legal trouble.

Anyway, I've learned some stuff, and I have come here today to share some of my novice wisdom with the rest of the blogging world. You ready for this?

1. You don't have to blog about what you think the world will care about. You should just write what you know or what you're curious about or whatever you're friggin passionate about. It doesn't matter. People really don't care. You just gotta do you. 

2. Commenting on other people's blogs will probably help other people find you. It's worked for me. Try it, and if it doesn't work, your blog must really suck. I'm sorry.

3. Post regularly or as often as you can. If your readers are familiar with your pattern for posting, they'll know when to visit your blog to see if you've updated. If you're so sporadic that you don't even know when you're going to sit down and write, how do you expect anyone else to? Let your blog be reliable for the people who actually read it.

4. Only write when you're ready to write and feel like writing. Never feel pressured to put out content. That'll just make you hate writing. And if you really love writing, you shouldn't want to do anything to make you hate it. I mean, would if you love macaroni and cheese, would you ruin it by putting mint toothpaste in it? Probably not.

5. Page views and fame and followers don't come overnight. Give it time. And, hey, you might actually have to work at publicizing your blog. Try different networking strategies. Utilize the websites you already use (i.e.. Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Plurk, etc). You'll be surprised what happens just from that.

6. Tags! For the love all that is bright and beautiful and amazing, tag your posts with all the things that might be goldmines for traffic! Yeah, I tag almost everything I could possibly tag. Often times it's things like "Boobs" and "Penis flaps" or "Hot men" but it's usually pretty relevant.  I mean, take a look at what people search to find me-

If I took a shot every time penis showed up, I'd be pretty wasted. That's all. 

7. Don't be afraid to take a risk. Try it. See what comes out of it. You may be surprised.

So, there you go. Some blogging tips from a girl who's been blogging off and on for the last million years. Hopefully you'll actually try to take my tips into consideration so your blog won't suck so much. I'm just kidding. No I'm not. I'm sorry. Please don't take me seriously.

(Wait.. what?)