Orange Mashugana

Long time, no blog, right? Oh well! I have good excuses for why I failed to write much over the last week or so. Like, oh, I don't know... That I AM NO LONGER UNEMPLOYED! 

Yup, yup! You heard it! My streak of perpetual unemployment seems to be not as perpetual as I once assumed. That, kids, just shows that you shouldn't count your chickens before they hatch. Anyway, the last four days of my life have been pretty booked up, so I hope I can make it up to anyone who has actually missed reading about my life, thoughts, and other mashugana that I come up with from somewhere deep inside the crevices of my fragile mind.

So, last night, I got off work and went over to the Wal-Mart Neighborhood Market to get a sick Bruce some orange juice (how nice am I? Seriously?). Okay, let me just say that this Wal-Mart is open 24/7, so when I went prancing in at 10:30 at night, I really wasn't sure what kind of crowd I was going to see. Well, apparently, it's just workers restocking things. To be honest, I was hoping for a late-night crowd of crackheads, but when has Wal-Mart ever actually met my expectations of anything? Never. 

I found the orange juice in the maze of aisles and sectioned off arrays of baked goods that I really wanted to buy but talked myself out of eventually. When I was looking at the small selection of orange juice that was at my disposal, I realized I had no idea what any of the information on any of the containers meant. "Made from concentrate?" What? What the hell does that mean? Was it made by a worker who was really concentrated on making the best bottle of OJ ever? And what about pulp vs no
pulp vs extra pulp? Personally, I hate the feeling of drinking pulp so I always opt for the no pulp, but what if pulp is actually really good for you and pretty much the only nutritionally beneficial element of a bottle of OJ? This was really something to think about especially since I was buying it for someone who was sick, you know? 

Eventually, I just grabbed a big bottle of Tropicana without pulp because it had the prettiest label. I'm sure that says plenty of untrue things about me. 

I'm sure this story had a point, but, a few Sour Punch Straws later, I can't remember what that might have been.

Being an adult and having to make choices like "Which is the healthiest brand of orange juice?" just kind of freaks me out. Like, I have no idea how people walk into grocery stores and know what all the labels mean. Sure, I know not to buy anything with high-fructose corn syrup (or really anything with corn in it) or artificial sweeteners that rhyme with gross, but what else should I know? I can't Google every grocery product individually like "Are Sour Punch Straws bad for me?" because I'd be in the store for the rest of time. But, idiots shop for groceries. So, I don't know.

So, I guess the point of this is that there should only be one brand of OJ and it should be the healthiest OJ ever because I am incapable of picking out a bottle of juice.