Do You Like Tacos or...?

I am a firm believer that what goes on under the sheets and between the legs is private business for every single person who wants it to be. Whether that is if you lead a very sexually active life or what your sexual preference is at the end of the night, to me, none of that matters. Sometimes people are extremely open about their gender/sexuality/sex life/whatever, and others would really rather keep that to themselves. Either choice is fine.

But I'm not going to lie. I have had some friends over the years that have seriously made me think about what kind of person they are. Some people are just harder to read to find out that kind of information. I'm talking "Great Expectations" hard. I found myself thinking about what my friends' sexual orientations were and whether they were virgins or not. For some unexplainable reason, I was extremely curious about this stuff. I turned to mutual friends and whispered in the shadows, "Hey, do you know if he's gay?" Sometimes I got answers, and other times I just had to go straight to the main source.

As always, my conversations with people are so awkward and so "ugh-I-don't-want-to-have-to-ask-this-right-now-let-me-die"

Me: Hey

Friend: Oh, hey!

Me: So, uh, I have a friend...

Friend: Yeah?

Me: And, uh, they asked me if you were...

Friend: What? A serial killer? HIV positive? The Famous Jett Jackson? Bringing da noise, bringing da funk? Bluffin' with my muffin? Rocky mountain high? Heir to the Genovian throne? Just somebody that you used to know? A Pisces? 

Me: GAY! 

Friend: Oh. No. I'm straight. 

Me: What about those other things? Are you the heir to the Genovian throne?

Friend: Shhhhhh *backs away slowly*

It is truly none of my business if someone likes boys or girls or neither or if they like to have lots of sex or not have any at all. But, like all great people in history, I can be too curious at times. 

At the end of the day, though, knowing or not knowing that information about a friend or classmate or random Subway employee that made me a really good sandwich once really doesn't matter at all. I'm not even just saying that right now. 

Well, it does matter because if I do know I can either A) fall madly in lust with you or B) ship you with another one of my friends. But those are like the only reasons I would ever truly need to know anything about you. Yeah. 

If your pants are full of secrets, though, I'm probably going to do some investigating. Oops. My bad.