Now That You're An Adult In College ...

Because your breath smells terrible and it's blowing in my face right now

... You should already know how to tame your horrendous assfart morning breath. Please don't make me sit next to you in class or in a car or just be in the same one-mile radius of you if you have a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad smell protruding from your mouth. No, coffee doesn't make your breath smell better. It makes it worse. Like way worse than you can probably imagine. Have you ever tried eating or popping a piece of gum in before heading out into the real world? Brushing your teeth doesn't finish the job. Please, don't kill me this early in the morning. I am a good person (kind of), and do not deserve this kind of torture.

... You should already know how to share communal spaces. Didn't we learn this in like pre-school when we were 4? I'm pretty sure I spent most of my time when I was 4 picking my nose, watching Barney and Friends, and peeing my pants, yet I still managed to grasp that shared spaces are shared... not dominated by your rudeness and inconsiderate nature. Why are you still not understanding that if 4 people are sharing a dorm bathroom, you can't pretend that you own the shower and can just casually leave every single shampoo, conditioner, and razor that you own in it? Are you the spawn of Satan? The same goes for getting your fugly hair out of the drain when you're finished. I ain't no maid. I'm not going to clean that shit up for you because it's disgusting. Don't get mad at me when I move your over-priced salon shampoo because I need to put my stuff there for my 15-minute shower. I paid for that space too.

... You should already know no one is required to like or even tolerate your whiney self. Remember how in elementary school everyone was forced to get along and you had to be nice or you'd get in trouble? You can pretty much forget all of that. Yes, you should respect people because that is common courtesy, but you are not required to be associated with assholes and douchebags and bitches who you don't even like. Thus, if I don't like you or want people to think I like you because I really don't like you, I'm probably going to avoid you at all costs. Please don't take my absence as me playing hard to get or fearing that I might come on as clingy. That's not it. I just don't like you. And you don't have to like me.

... You should already know how to keep your crush on the professor a secret. Yes, I'm talking about you, girl in my religious studies class. We all know you're hot for teacher. Not only does it make him uncomfortable, but it also makes class just a tad bit awkward to sit through. It's like watching animals at the zoo mate. No one really wants to see that, so, please, keep it in your pants, girl. He's married, and you're... you, so I think it's safe if you just keep your creepy affections to yourself. Yes, he's hot. Everyone knows he's good looking in that weird teacher way, but you don't see anyone else flinging themselves at him all through class. Just saying.

... You should already know that the real world isn't a nice place. Yeah, I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but it's kind of mostly true. People are mean and sometimes shitty stuff happens to sort of-okay people. You're probably not the only one who is having a bad day or week, so please don't act like it. We're all living in this world with you, so we get it. And, you know, we'd all love to hear you complain or read your 3 am tweet rant from last night, but we really just don't care. If this was the 7th grade and Johnny Bravo had kissed your arch nemesis and your mom forgot to put a pack of Disney Princess Fruit Snacks in your lunch, we'd probably understand and sympathize. But it's not the 7th grade. This is  adulthood. Suck it up.