Snorts of Love

Have you ever been in infatuation with someone? Maybe a small crush? In like? In love? Whatever you want to call it, most people have experienced that rush of hormones and adrenaline when just the idea or casual name-dropping of Mr.Handsome-Amazing or Miss Tits-and-Ass is out and about. For some people, dealing with these various feelings (or feels, as I like to formally call them) is way easy and second nature. Others might not be so fortunate. Me? Well, I'm one of those poor bastards who can't seem to make heads or tails of anything when it comes to those of the opposite sex (which is why I am 4ever alone and destined to be the neighborhood hag one day), especially when it's a Mr.Mister that I have an abundance of feels for.

For anyone who knows me and spends time with me, you have probably had the amazing opportunity to witness one of my snort-giggle-fits. Ever so often, I'll totally be trying to be cool as a cucumber when suddenly someone (usually the one I fancy... maybe just anyone who makes me feel good) will say something funny or cute and I'll catch the snorts. It's uncontrollable. Once I start snorting, it can be hard to stop. I probably look like I am one of those patients on House MD that just has seizures every 5 seconds until the end of the episode (which is when House suddenly connects all the dots to the medical mystery and cures the patient of their enigmatic case), and everyone is just waiting around to see if they'll ever stop. So, naturally, it's terribly awkward and embarrassing for me when they happens. Like, can I please just be excused from ever having to talk to anyone ever again so this doesn't happen ever again? Thanks.

I have a great fear of rejection. I can tell you right now that if I am in like with you or if I want to skip all the socially acceptable steps of courting rituals and just elope to Vegas and pop out a couple of babies with you, you might never actually hear me say any of that. Of course, I am fully aware that if people never know how you feel, you will never go anywhere, and that's really no fun when you think long and hard about it. Still, my fear cripples me. (This is where my best friend Bruce will proceed to palm-face himself... or worse... out of frustration).

The thing, though, is that even when I think the other person might like me just a bit (maybe even tolerate my presence, if I'm lucky), I still don't make a move. Why? Trust issues! I don't trust my gut. I don't trust myself. I don't trust anyone. Point. Blank. (Well, there are other reasons, but, like... those don't matter)

A drawing from The Twits? Maybe... or maybe a diagram of hag evolution!

But, I think it all goes back to the snorts. When they'll strike, nobody knows! So, I'd rather just pretend that men don't exist (or that if they do exist, they all just suck and don't deserve my love) and that my feelings don't matter and that there are benefits to being the neighborhood hag who lets her tits sag because there aren't men to impress.

So, if you take anything from this, take this: I'm probably secretly in love with you. That's all. Nothing else to see here.

*snort*