Other People's Fridges

Have you ever gone over to someone's house, apartment, secret hideout, or artfully pretentious loft and just happened to casually look into their fridge or whatever place they tend to store food? I do it all the time. In fact, we're not real friends until I've judged you based on where you put your food. But, you know, because I'm a "lady" or some shit like that, I will never tell you what I think of your kitchen. This is mostly because I'm afraid I'll find out that what I find queer about your fridge/cupboards/ pantry/whatever is actually normal and that my family is the queer one's in this situation.

I mean, I have a list of things that bother me.

• If they refrigerate unopened things. (STOP. NO. PLEASE. THERE IS ROOM IN THE CABINET FOR THAT.)
• If they refrigerate Kraft parmesan cheese. (THAT IS NOT REAL CHEESE. IT DOESN'T NEED TO  BE KEPT COLD. STOP. IT WILL PROBABLY NEVER GO BAD. YOU WILL DIE BEFORE THIS POOR EXCUSE FOR CHEESE GOES BAD! IF PIZZA HUT CAN GIVE OUT PACKAGES OF IT WITHOUT KEEPING IT COOL BEFORE HAND, TRUST ME, YOU CAN TOO. PLUS IF YOU DON'T HAVE SOME REAL PARMESAN CHEESE IN YOUR FRIDGE, WHY AM I FRIENDS WITH YOUR NO-GOOD WHITE BREAD ASS? I DO NOT NEED THIS! MY MAN HAS TWO JOBS!)
• If they refrigerate basically any condiments that aren't jarred mustards, pickles, or mayo. (COLD KETCHUP IS GROSS. STOP.)
• If they refrigerate barbecue sauce. (SERIOUSLY? DO YOU ACTUALLY LIKE POURING DISGUSTING COLD, THICK GOOP FROM A BOTTLE ONTO YOUR FOOD? MMM GIRL.)

The list goes on.
I really just have a huge problem with unnecessary refrigeration of foods.
And, if I'm being the bitch I probably really am deep down inside my innards, I honestly made that list above by looking into the fridge of my apartment. (sorry roomies, I'm just like that).

To be honest, the only fridge I never had a problem with was my dad's walk-in back when he was in the catering business ("helping you celebrate life…"). Sure, it smelled mostly like cheese and raw vegetables, but he knew how to keep a fridge. He couldn't just put shit in there when he was storing food for a wedding reception for hundreds of people. He needed that room for things that ACTUALLY NEEDED TO BE DAMN REFRIGERATED.

Basically, I judge you if you don't use your fridge space responsibly. Fridges don't come cheap, asshole. Think of those kids in Africa who don't have a fridges.
When I see that you can't even handle your fridge space, how am I to know how you'll handle our friendship? Just makes me want to hitchhike my ass home and clean things, dammit. 

So, kiddos, please, treat your fridges with respect.

Shit-Shaming

So, the other night, I was texting Bruce at like 2 am because that happens sometimes (nothing good happens after 2 am, kids), and I don't really know how, but we started talking about having really good poops by the means of tea and supplements. It was totally chill. Ya know, just two friends talking about brilliant beyond brilliant shits at 2 am. Happens all the time. Well, then I woke up at like almost noon the next day (after I came out of my curly fry coma from the night before) and I went back to check my texts, and I realized that no one just talks about pooping. If they do talk about pooping, it's always in doctor's offices or in secret like shitting is something that everyone should keep a secret. WHAT?

Why are people so ashamed of a totally natural body function that happens to everyone normally at least once a day? Why is talking about how amazing pooping is frowned upon in today's society? Like, why is it considered potty talk or gross? Sure, it smells.... and it comes out of your stained asscrack, but every single person does it at some time. You do it after you're born, and you'll do it when you die... because science... so, just embrace it. 

Personally, I talk about shit all the time. I encourage my family and friends to also openly talking about what happens behind their bathroom doors. I'm sick and tired of having to keep my bowels a secret. Why should I be ashamed of them? Why should I shame other people who also poop? There is no reason at all. My sister, Julia, and I totally have this amazing bonding where we text each other "estoy poopin" (spanish for "I'm pooping" just fyi) from the bathroom. Sometimes we don't even say that. Sometimes we just send the shitty smiling shit emoticon. It's such a relief to share such an intimate moment with my sister.

Man, I feel you.

It has become the new deep dark secret of every man and woman (but mostly women because apparently women don't fart or poop ever because miracles) in the world. No, you can forget about uh-oh-spaghetti-o pregnancies, Italian mob families, ex-KKK memberships, closet Satan worshipers, and over-the-counter drug problems. Those are nothing compared to the shame that is brought on from the function of the unmentionable colon.

I believe we should not judge each other based on the color and density of our poops. I have a dream that one day men and women of all tongues and colors will speak openly about the conditions of their bowels. Olympic games will be created. Reality TV shows (Yup, The Biggest Pooper and America's Next Top Pooper are all going to be hits). Anthems for a generation. Vampire fiction (oh wait.). It's all going to be beautiful and very shitty.

So, what I'm saying is don't be ashamed of the fact that you poop. Embrace it. Don't clench your cheeks any longer. 

And, yes, I know the Brady Bunch didn't have a single toilet in that house... Don't worry. They were freaks, anyway.

Lesson learned: everybody shits. Deal with it.