Other People's Fridges

Have you ever gone over to someone's house, apartment, secret hideout, or artfully pretentious loft and just happened to casually look into their fridge or whatever place they tend to store food? I do it all the time. In fact, we're not real friends until I've judged you based on where you put your food. But, you know, because I'm a "lady" or some shit like that, I will never tell you what I think of your kitchen. This is mostly because I'm afraid I'll find out that what I find queer about your fridge/cupboards/ pantry/whatever is actually normal and that my family is the queer one's in this situation.

I mean, I have a list of things that bother me.

• If they refrigerate unopened things. (STOP. NO. PLEASE. THERE IS ROOM IN THE CABINET FOR THAT.)
• If they refrigerate Kraft parmesan cheese. (THAT IS NOT REAL CHEESE. IT DOESN'T NEED TO  BE KEPT COLD. STOP. IT WILL PROBABLY NEVER GO BAD. YOU WILL DIE BEFORE THIS POOR EXCUSE FOR CHEESE GOES BAD! IF PIZZA HUT CAN GIVE OUT PACKAGES OF IT WITHOUT KEEPING IT COOL BEFORE HAND, TRUST ME, YOU CAN TOO. PLUS IF YOU DON'T HAVE SOME REAL PARMESAN CHEESE IN YOUR FRIDGE, WHY AM I FRIENDS WITH YOUR NO-GOOD WHITE BREAD ASS? I DO NOT NEED THIS! MY MAN HAS TWO JOBS!)
• If they refrigerate basically any condiments that aren't jarred mustards, pickles, or mayo. (COLD KETCHUP IS GROSS. STOP.)
• If they refrigerate barbecue sauce. (SERIOUSLY? DO YOU ACTUALLY LIKE POURING DISGUSTING COLD, THICK GOOP FROM A BOTTLE ONTO YOUR FOOD? MMM GIRL.)

The list goes on.
I really just have a huge problem with unnecessary refrigeration of foods.
And, if I'm being the bitch I probably really am deep down inside my innards, I honestly made that list above by looking into the fridge of my apartment. (sorry roomies, I'm just like that).

To be honest, the only fridge I never had a problem with was my dad's walk-in back when he was in the catering business ("helping you celebrate life…"). Sure, it smelled mostly like cheese and raw vegetables, but he knew how to keep a fridge. He couldn't just put shit in there when he was storing food for a wedding reception for hundreds of people. He needed that room for things that ACTUALLY NEEDED TO BE DAMN REFRIGERATED.

Basically, I judge you if you don't use your fridge space responsibly. Fridges don't come cheap, asshole. Think of those kids in Africa who don't have a fridges.
When I see that you can't even handle your fridge space, how am I to know how you'll handle our friendship? Just makes me want to hitchhike my ass home and clean things, dammit. 

So, kiddos, please, treat your fridges with respect.